Why I think im going crazy
I was perfectly normal….about to go out and meet friends….evening time and feeling fine. Then suddenly my brain activity slowed down; I felt it slip away. I turned the lights off in my room and turned the music volume absurdly loud, locking myself into my room.
I lay down on my bed, quietly observing myself do so (from where?). I lay with my eyes open for a while, feeling the vibrations of the bass seeping into the mattress below me – my senses turned acute.
I got an image – a second dimension opened up as I let my eyes close (did they close?). I’m lying on the bed; the phone by my side. It is 45 minutes later and someone is calling me. Its nadya.
I answer the phone after letting it ring three times (perhaps I could have let it ring forever).
“Hello?”
“Hi dawn!”
“Who is this?”
“This is nadya you fool!”
“Nadya? I know you nadya.”
“You know me?”
“Yes. I know a lot about you. I was there remember? When you looked up. Do you remember the picture frame? Do you remember a figure deep in the scenery?”
“dawn, what the hell are you talking about?”
“Do you remember the looking in the photograph frame? I was in it, watching you.”
Snap back. Back to where? I’m in my bed and my eyes are open. Did that conversation happen? Of course not. It happened in my head. Could I make it real? Of course I could, but to what end? Why did it occur? What was it trying to say? Sinking again...
The phone is ringing,
“Hello?”
“Hi dawn!”
“Who is this?”
“This is nadya you fool!”
“Nadya? I know a lot about you nadya.”
“Oh really. What do you know?”
Blanked out. Blanked out. There were images here in my mind but they have become distorted with time. I couldn’t reach the computer fast enough. They were grotesque; strange, even horrific. Their content? Was that what was horrific? Or was it the fear of reality distorting? Was it the fact that you know you’re making it up in your mind. Or is it the fact that its not part of your mind – just there. Why is it there? Why is it there? I think I’m going crazy. Sinking again…
The phone rings,
“Nadya”
“dawn!”
“I knew you’d call”
“Whats wrong dawn ? You sound...”
“Nadya, I think I’m going crazy”
“Wha? Huh? You were okay just a couple of hours ago. What's wrong dawn.”
“I don’t know. I can’t speak about it...i don’t know...do picture frames…do you remember the picture frames?”
“What picture frames? dawn? What picture frames?”
Broken the cycle. Its out in the open now. Half an hour has gone by. How fast can I type? 15 minutes remain before the phone call and already I know what will happen and what I will do. Eyes…were they open on the bed or closed? Did I see all that or hear all that. Wait. I’m back on the bed again and sinking. This is the past. This is the past...
The phone rings.
“Nadya”
“dawn!”
“I’m quite sure I’m going crazy”
“dawn? What are you talking about? What's wrong?”
“I don’t know what's wrong…The picture frames…and there were some things I saw; but you wouldn’t understand.”
“Picture frames?”
“Yes. I was there. I was in a picture frame watching you. Except it wasn’t me. It was something else…but it was me because I saw it...just before you called. I knew you’d call too.”
“What did you see?”
“Through the picture frames? I cant tell you. I would tell you, but I don’t remember myself. That’s why I went running to this computer you see. So I could type all this down. So I don’t forget. So I have something to show you and myself. I think I’m going crazy.”
“dawn...you’re not going crazy okay. Sunno, we *insert what you say – idle chit chat about meeting up and sorting things out there*”
“I knew you would say that. I knew it.”
“dawn, you don’t know everything. Quit thinking you do, its driving you crazy.”
There isn’t a choice though. Is there? I made one choice. I made the choice to type all this down. 8 minutes to go before the call. What will I say? I will say nothing of this. I will send this to you.
Just so you know, I think I’m going crazy, and it haunts me. And what of the picture frames...
