NEVYN Penfold to Danger Mouse's blog: "who I am and where I'm at - part one"

I'm Brett, for starters and I've been called by many names in my life. I was Cowboyfor 4 ish years, and for 4 ish years I was also known as Kitt. Back in my early days of hitch-hiking the countryside (which I did for 13 years) especially in Alice Springs, I was known as Waco, though they all pronounced it Wacko, lol. At the very start of my hitch-hiking days I was called Kidd Bowie, because of my particular fondness for the Bowie knife and the Legend behind the original. It was only after becoming a father that I took to the name Brett, after 30 years of living was I happy to be acknowledged as what my birth certificate recorded. I look at it now and realise it was because my father had named me Brett, and if there is anyone on this planet that I despise or loathe more, then i have yet to discover it. It was this hate, a hate that ate at me for so many years it turned me into a bitter, sullen, angry, rebellious young man, that was my chip on my shoulder, my cross to bear and I think overall, one of the hardest lessons in life that I have endured and learned to overcome. I still despise my biological father and call him by his given name, which infuriates him no end because All He wants is for me to call him Dad. This infuriation I cause him is a little victory for me because for so long he knew exactly how to push my buttons and provoke me, and those actions in my anger have often set me back in learning of life in the past. Now I just despise him quietly, never to his face, am now a soul of courtesy as I talk to him - he no longer has the power over me and in coming to terms with that my life has begun once more to move forward.

I am a 2nd chef at a little country town in Victoria, I have been cooking for about 17 years, but all my life, my  career of  preference has mainly been in the hospitality industry, with only a few exceptions. I have worked behind the bar, as a waiter and once gave up cooking for 2 years just to wash dishes. I used to think I never really had a work ethic, but this is not true - I just never had the motivation or eagerness to stay with any one job, much like I never stayed in any one town for long. I was a drifter, not only on the road, but through the workforce too, as well as emotionally. I was out of home on my 16th birthday, thinking my family didn't want me, angry, rebelling at everything that represented authority, and was much that way till about 32. It was having to fight to be with my son that was the ultimate decision in my life so far that was about moving forward or just blaming everything and everyone else. It was time to make a choice and really stick to it - and 5 years later I am proud of myself, mainly content with my life and for the most part, happy.

The things I have put myself through in the last 5 years - WOW!!! For starters I did 30 weeks anger management - amazing - the course I did should be part of high school education over the years of 10 - 12. By the end of it, Lloyd, the head honcho counsellor said I had the makings to be a counsellor in the field myself, and that I was the first person they had had through who had been a sponge with what they had to show. Out of that 30 weeks, the one saying I took with me that has helped the most was this - "Anger is a healthy emotion - its how we choose to use it or direct it that can make it a problem." I have taken a lot of deep breathes in through the nose, out through the mouth over the years, and indeed that became my litany when I needed to calm down. In through the nose, out through the mouth - regular deep even breathing. I discovered that when we get angry we get tense, and even our breathing become irregular to the point that humans hold their breath in anger. Unfortunately if we don't breath, our blood doesn't breath and we get hot, which only fuels anger - so always with the breathing. During that time I also began drug and alcohol counselling which I persued for just over a year, and also personal counselling with a pyschologist which lasted for closer to three years. It really is a good thing to have someonoe you don't know sit there and be non-judgemental as you go  BLAH about the world and your life. I found that talking of my problems helped me focus on what I needed to achieve. I also did 2 parenting course through different organisations, and a self esteem course.

All of that though opened me up and readied me for my next challenges. Over the following two years I qualified in child care and got my cert 3 and my blue card, and I also did a course through Lifeline - and became a telephone counsellor. But the course wasn't just about telephone skills - it was about life and awareness of yourself and that course as well should be introduced into the high school system. It teaches you if you are prepared to look deep inside yourself and be 100% honest with yourself - and that is really hard, especially when you sit in a room of thirty people and open up to your own character flaws and honestly admit you're not perfect but that there are other ways to go about it - it being Life.

Well, thats all for now, feels like I'm starting to ramble, take care everyone