Over 16,529,158 people are on fubar.
What are you waiting for?
Who Cheats?
Today's topic covers an issue very close to many of us. most people have experienced a cheating partner, or have cheated, themselves. Most of us haven't really thought about the reasons for this with any level of objectivity, though. Usually, the experience is far too painful for any amount of emotional distancing.
I realize that what I'm about to say is rather controversial, and I'm certain I'll get plenty of angry messages, but I firmly believe that EVERYONE has the capacity to cheat. No one believes that they are the "type", yet so many find themselves doing just that. It's far more productive to examine WHY people cheat, rather than WHICH people cheat.
Many of you have now deduced that, because I can say such things, I MUST have cheated on someone. The reality is, I've been cheated on in nearly every relationship I've been involved in. Despair.com has a saying that reads, "DYSFUNCTION: The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." While this is meant to be taken as a simple demotivational phrase, I've come to realize (perhaps because I ponder far too often) just how accurate and intuitive the expression really is.
So the question remains: Why do we cheat? The answer really boils down to a lack of something vital in the relationship, combined with a block in communication between partners. Here's a brief list I've managed to come up with, and what we can do to best prevent them:
Lack of Attention - This usually occurs because of a physical distance (not living in the same household, etc), or because life gets too busy - kids, work, friends, family, etc. We have to make an effort to spend QUALITY time with our partners.
Stuck in a Rut - Have we ever found ourselves bound by the roles we play in our lives - as parents, workers, students, spouses - to the point where we can nearly predict how each and every moment will play out? Have we ever lost our sense of "self"? This is when we find ourselves thinking of our single days, and all the mystery and excitement included. People in this situation may very much love and appreciate their partner, and for that reason, they don't bring these feelings up in an attempt to spare the feelings of their loved one. The solution here is to be as open as possible about how you're feeling, and work WITH your partner to add spice back into the mix.
Compatibility - Ah, the all-encompassing term! Unfortunately, it applies here as well. You have to be able to see your partner on equal terms. You have to both respect, and feel respected by that person. You have to be physically, emotionally, and intellectually attracted from the beginning. Unfortunately, most of us stop at physical and emotional attraction. HOW SOMEONE THINKS will play a vital role in your relationship! If you find yourself lacking in any of these areas, you may find yourself subconsciously searching to fill that need.
"Back Pocket" Approach - Have you ever met someone who, while you were interested to some extent, that person just didn't have the chemistry to focus your full attention? How many of you in this situation have kept that person in waiting, usually through promises, sweet words, or physical intimacy, while you continued your search for that "right" person on the side? I think this is VERY common in the dating scene. We want to be with someone. We find someone who seems to fit what we are looking for, and yet we're not quite ready to give up the search. Yes, guys...I find this a form of cheating. Just be honest. There's nothing wrong with playing the field a bit...testing the waters. Just make certain the one you're keeping around is well aware of your intentions. She deserves the same opportunity.
To be continued in the next blurb...
