A sheathed sword gathers no dust.
A rolling stone gathers no moss.
And ever since I lost this... tremendous anxiety, this immense pressure to graduate, I feel no opposite extreme of elation and relaxation, no inspiration.
No exhalation of drama and bullshit.
What am I using with this new found relaxation?
Not a god damn thing.
No really, sure, I'm not freaking out anymore, but... the conquest, the battle... where is?
I'm too fucking level.
I'm a man of extremes.
Great love, great tragedy.
Great investment, great loss.
I'm going to be a godfather...
oh yeah... I forgot... to mention...
I'm going to be a godfather.
I might be excited about that.
Anyway, back to the wedding... where I was best man.
I struck out.
Completely.
But y'know... I did a great job, and I was BARELY sick the whole week. Usually I'm a vommitting mess with these things.
I dunno... I was at ease. I was in control.
IT WAS GREAT!
No nausea no screaming fits or spazzing... just some leg twitching and sighing.
That in itself is a HUGE success. And I talked to several attractive girls for extended periods of time.
That was kinda cool.
But I wasn't their type.
I'm not exactly sure what girls actually... like... my type.
But what should I have really expected?
They knew me for 60 hours one's a serial monogymist, another was a christy, and the last was... well, a little young, a very shy. And yes, I just typed "a very shy". We're not even counting my best friend's sister...
I mean
I wouldn't mind- she's cute, in college, smart as a furking whip and we've got a lot of history, we can talk.... err anyway, yeah I really shouldn't even entertain the idea.
Too much at stake.
No, really.
So... yeah, I was too busy being a best man/crisis wedding drone to really get any necking done.
I need a job.
A ps3
and MGS4.
It makes me happy
in the trousers.
I also need to get a portfolio together.
I've got something resembling an initial interview coming up. I need to get that processed before the end of this month. Some good pieces, a witty coverletter, and several dropped hints about my work ethic and creativity.
If that goes well, I'm looking at a new city and 30k a year.
Then maybe I can worry about a girl.
Not a girl.
THE girl.
I've scouted out a rachmaninov lover... trouble is if I'm on my way out, and she's going to school here... how's that going to work?
Maybe she need not know...
God I'm a bastard. But I need a fucking career. And a girl, and a lay.
I'm pretty sure the priorities are pretty close to in order on that list already.
Yes...
I've... kinda set the smart standard.
I need a girl that reads, writes, and can keep up with philosophy and metaphysics.
I need someone I can take to dinner, not out to eat.
Someone that gets dressed for the symphony, not a concert.
I'm fairly committed to getting rid of my dog.
I need one FUCK of an ideal situation to keep her in a new city.
Like... a house, and a kickass job.
Not happening 2 months out of college.
Oh... right, and the court ordered stuff. Lovely.
Least I got some money for bills this month.
So... maybe if I get a job in the next 2 weeks I won't starve to death.
I said maybe.
I guess... I'm still doing some of that self evaluation stuff.
I sat down and said "alright, what's my appeal?" a few weeks back. Now I'm working on the bad parts... y'know, the whole "what did I do wrong" part...
Makes me want a drink.
And a cigar.
And some great music,
just to forget I ever fucking brought it up.
It really was a compatibility thing, but not the reasons some people thought.
I guess... I can be kinda intimidating, and hard to keep up with.
Guess some people would rather date a shortbuser than read a philosophy book or watch the news, and blame all their insecurities on me.
Yeah, I'm a prick.
But not if you treat me right.
No one ever does.
I mean that too. But its one of those "you'd have to be there" kinda things.
Anyway, when I get home, I'm gonna shoot aliens, reconnect with a friend that saw this all coming, and continue to find what I ... lost? sacrificed? temporarily misplaced? something.
uuh
of course,
after I get a job, and do a silly dance for the local government.
Time for bed
and masturbation
...err
I mean
Meditation.
Y'know, change my inner universe and whatnot.
Visualize it, will it, believe it, live it.
All will be kickass,
or "well"... some possitive adjective.
Fuck off, I haven't slept in a week.
