Again without going into too much detail. I am trying to deal with some heavy personal things. I have always been the strong one in a major relationship. I carried, I supported when no one else could, I even took one an the role of Mother without the benefit of giving birth. A thankless job at times.
I am now at a place in my life where I just want to worry about me! Is that selfish? For the longest I have beat myself up about it, thought that I was a horrible person for not wanting to carry the load that was not my burden to take on initially.
I have punished the men that have been in my life for a pain that they did not cause. I have second judged, mistrusted and pushed away good people based on nothing more than fear. I am an old fashioned woman that still believes in supporting her man's dreams. Even though I work I believe that a man's home is his castle and that he should come home to love, tranquility and yes...BEING SPOILED. I in return just wanted a sense of loving security...to find that it was "asking for too much".
My mountain is large and I fear that I no longer have the strength to climb it. My fears are larger than life. I close my eyes, they are there, I open my eyes they are there. How do you find your strength that same stregth that made you envied and admired by your peers and friends. The strength that was once a source of pride. Where now you spend more hours worried, alone and crying....
How do you climb the mountain and get back on top?
