Time and time you hear the story. Poor, sweet girl meets guy who seems really crazy about her. They date for an unspecified period of time before finally she decides to have sex with him. In that moment, everything changes. Sex unleashes a torrent of emotions. She’s vulnerable. She’s smitten. She’s ready to plan their future together, and she wants him to feel exactly the same way.
And he’s ready to run like hell.
So he does, which labels him a "player." He was only out for sex. What a jerk. He knew how hard it was for her to give that part of herself to him and as soon as it was over, the thrill of the chase was over too. Suddenly, he was ready for the next conquest. He’s a jerk...right?
I’m here to say something on behalf of men...because if a man wrote this he’d probably be called a "woman hater." So I’ll be the voice. WOMEN...I ask you...do you ever think that maybe, just maybe, the reason he ran wasn’t because he "conquered" you? Maybe YOU are the one who made him run. Maybe sex changed absolutely nothing at all for him except the way you were acting.
Which was crazy.
I can only imagine how disappointing it must be to a guy. All of a sudden this relationship that has been progressing at a comfortable pace, is being pushed into something much more serious when it really doesn’t need to be. Having sex didn’t automatically add six months to the time you’ve been going out. It was just...having sex. And while that’s a pretty big deal, sometimes putting too much emphasis on it just stresses everyone out.
Why does every person we have sex with need to be the last person we ever have sex with? Would the world come to an end if maybe, just maybe, this wonderful sexual experience we just had was the first of many sexual experiences we’ll have with this person and then one day we won’t anymore? We’ll break up and move on and find someone new to have sex with.
I know people who have "rules" as to how long they’ll wait. Six dates, six months, a year, marriage... They’ll do other things but no sex. Or maybe they won’t do anything but kiss. They feel that waiting at least XX number of months gives them some sort of "safeguard" against heartbreak. If a guy puts six months in, you know he’s really crazy about you. Waiting six months will GUARANTEE you’ll never get hurt.
If only it were that easy.
A man is not going to fall madly in love with a woman because she tells him he should. He’s not going to get all emotional after sex and start planning their wedding. It’s just not going to happen but it’s ESPECIALLY not going to happen as a result of her telling him he should. Not after their first time together, not after their tenth time together. What I’m saying today, though, is that it’s not the man’s fault. It really isn’t. Except in circumstances where a man is just blatantly playing a woman, sex changes absolutely nothing between a couple EXCEPT the way we perceive things. And if we perceive that sex has added much more weight to everything the other person says and does, than everything he says and does will have more weight. And all that weight is bound to make him feel...well...
WEIGHED DOWN.
In Vanilla Sky, Cameron Diaz goes a little apeshit on Tom Cruise when she realizes he doesn’t consider her his one true love. As she’s screaming at him, she blurts out, "When you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not."
True?
False?
Those who have seen the film will note that his body made that promise to Penelope Cruz. It just didn’t make that promise to Cameron Diaz. Maybe that was because Penelope didn’t go all "woman" on him the second they had sex. Or, heck, I don’t know -- considering the way the movie ended maybe all of that was invalidated. But the point is, viewers could see why Tom walked away from Cameron, and we could see why he chose Penelope. Penelope was cool and fun and confident. Cameron was clingy and obnoxious and emotional. And, as we watched that film, how many women were sitting in that theater remembering a time when we were in Cameron’s character’s shoes? And every one of us, as we sympathized with Tom’s character, said the same thing -- "God, someone shoot me if I ever make that much of a fool of myself over a guy again."
Enough said?
