(this is the same blog I just posted over on CherrRock . net I just wanted to make sure people that arent on there get a chance to read it too)
Sometimes, no matter how well we should know better, we expect g00d things to happen to us, just because we're g00d people. This truly isn't the case. It is a lesson I've learned over and over again...so why doesnt it stick? Maybe it's because of all the things we are exposed to by society in general. Almost every movie has a happy ending, every fairytale ends in happily ever after, virtually every t.v. show we ever watched has some g00d moral issue and lesson to be taught and they all end up hugging in the end. Reality is harsh though. I'm so tired of being let down by life in general. It never fails, I finally get to take a step forward, and then it's 2 steps back. What I really need to ask myself, is, "why do I always let my feelings mislead me?". I mean, seriously, why do things that feel right at the time, feel so right if they aren't? I'm not sure what I'm going to do next, but I have some major decisions to make in my life. It's really stressing me out. I've been having to fight back my anxiety and panic attacks again the past few months, just when I think I'm finally better, blammo.... I thought I found somebody that I felt comfortable enough with to try and start a relationship with, and again...blammo. I know it's not her fault I let myself fall for her, and it's not her fault she obviously doesnt feel the same way. I'm not mad at her, but I still can't help but being hurt. That's one thing I vowed to never let happen to me again, get hurt. That's why I'm so freaking scared of relationships. I guess that's why I've been single for 5 years. Yeah I know, this all may come as a shock to some of you, because this is totally not like my "g00d" personality, but, this is the real me... like it or leave it.Weird thing is, I never talk about this shit to people, even my own family, but, yet here I am, pouring myself out to you all. I guess I kinda feel like most of you ARE my family, CherryRock is my family.If I could just figure out a way to make a decent living being "g00d" all of the time, I'd probably never leave my computer!!! I just really need to take some time to reevalute myself, on one hand, I know that life is too short to not take chances, I really do wanna have that happy ending... on the other hand, I'm so sick of who I am when I look in the mirror each morning. I really CAN'T continue living this way. I'm tired of letting my panick attacks control my life, and I'm tired of being alone. I don't really understand how, but, even when I have people around me, I still feel really alone. So why do I continue to let myself get the shit kicked outta me by life, everyday? Because sometimes, no matter how well we should know better, we expect g00d things to happen to us just because we're g00d people.... I have a big heart, it's just too big... So much for my happily ever after.... Chris A.K.A. Capn g00d
