I just don't know what to do . there are so many issues in my brain .
I have a cousin who just recently killed himself and a close friend who is locked up in jail for 15 years for some really wicked crimes . Now,I find out that this guy i liked is possible-ly in jail for dwi and other things .
Well , I really miss my close friend .The other one I always call the boy , hehehe well , Long story there but I thought all this time he lied to me about being on probation and things and i find out he didn't tak to me cuz he was in jail . now i feel like a dumbass. ..
But see when he and i met i was having lots of marial problems and he helped me thru some of the hardest things in my life well that i thought was hard at the time . I was leaving a friends house when she was introducing me to all the guys and i was looking at her and I walked down the stairs and i ran into him . Oh mY God I swear it waslike nothing I had ever experienced before in my life . Our friends said they were calling out names for minutes and we never looked away from each other. well , it was always an on andoff thing but , I moved out from living with the guy i'm married to and moved in with my sister , and he (the boy) was my birthday present . i was so happy oh my god when he got there he like sprinted accross the room to hug me and would n't let go and we talked and things and i didn't want him to leave .. i missed him so much and he told me he missed me too and he later that night told me he wanted to take this relationship futher and I said Hell yes i waited forever to hear that but things didn't turn out the way i hoped when he promised he would come back over the next nite he lied to me and i called him and some girl answered the phone and my sister talked to her an asked for him of course she was ruid and my sister pretty much let her knwo what was up .. well, it was another year passed and the boy came back . and i and my guy were living on another side of town and he come over and once again he was happy to see me and wanted to be with me and i told him i knew about some of the lies he had told and well he was shocked but what the hell I always been pretty good at learning people . that and my tarot deck hehehehe well anyway . he wanted to meet and get to know my family and the we went down stair and he kissed me and then i was comming back up and we met in the kitchen and he kissed me so perfectly it was like a story book . and drew is the guy i'm married to is so supportive .. he said if this guy is the one for me nothing he could do could stop iot fom happening .. well , as the night progressed I was talking to him andhe grabbed my arm and pulled me down and put his handin mine and told me this is your place I was like huh ?? and then he forced my head down on his shoulder and told me that this is my place and this is where i belong . I was like okay you say so well i was kinda resistant to him because of all the beating I had got and etc .. well i pulled away from him and it hurt his feelings I wasn't trying to at all .I was scared .. he was going to get overly aggressive . well , when he kissed me again he told me i'm not playing for what you think .. I was like what in the hell are you playing for .. he never would answer .. I thought he wanted me to put out which wasnt going to happen at all .. never has yet . and not sure that it will at all . okay that nite once again ended and then i get this phone call from this chic olddddd chic and she says i need to stop messing with herboyfriend and i like what the hell , he was here with me i didn't force him to be here he called me and if you think i'm the only one maybe i'm not the one with the problem .. well , i didn't hear from him for awhile and then one day i do and he comes over here with his family well he was all differnt he was ruid and so where they They didn't like me cuz i was a big girl and told him that he could do better which up set me but they all were lite anyway and he was so out of his head that nite all i said was why did you come here .. what is it you want from me and he said i needed to see you and i you are the drugs and I haven't heard from him since and he and i were really close .. I miss him so much and still it's hard even tho they were cruel to me .. It's hard to stop feeling what i feel
Then to add insaly to injury .. his mom lies about who she is and i find out who she is and that maked him and her pisseda t me cuz i called them down on the lie .. i mean come on all the mom was calling me was fat chic and miss piggy .. i told her to come up with something more chellenging to my nerons ..
well they called me again and told me the boy got dstabbed and of course at first i fell for it like a dumb ass and i also find out later it was all a lie she said no one hurts mys on I'm still wondering how in the hell did i hurt him He lied to me about almost everything we did together .. never once did he tell me the truth .. except for the jail andprobate thing ..
now i'm stuck he won't talk to me an i dunno how to fix it ..
I so lucky that the guy i'm married to is my best friend as well .. he we are more friends than anything and he loves me so what in the hell is my prob why can't i let go of the boy if i have someone who loves me and stuff ..
well i must go i think my chapter is over until next time
sleep tight peeps
ps and before anyone starts throwing up comment about me being married and stuff an things just think ,, you don't knowhow it feel until your int he situation yourself ..
well until tomorrow nite when the soga continues ..
