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Tuesday, April 17, 2007 Would my father be proud??? Current mood: grateful Category: Life Would my father be proud at the way my family has turned out??Today make the first year anniversary of my fathers death,in life he always beleived in family and that families should stick together no matter what.Well after his death we fell apart.He was the hub or the glue in our family. In my family I have a devoted younger sister and step-mother and my daugther. Now i will give you some history on the family My sister,she has knowledge beyond her years it seems at times. I love her to death. she has worked hard for everything she has and has done it by herself she doesn't have a family of her own yet and I never give up hope that one day she will and i will have some little ones calling me auntie but all in good time. She has a very kind and loving heart she's more like our father than she'll ever know even though his dead she still tries not to disappoint him.him and her were very close she was daddy's little girl they had a bond that very few childern get to have in life with their parents. My Step-mom or from now on aka mom. Started dating my father when she was 19. They met and my father stopped and asked her for directions(what she didn't know was that he was asking her direction to his own house she would find this out a couple of months later) at this point in my dad's life he had already been through a marriage (to my natural mother ) and divorced and had 2 childern. Some months later my sister and I went to go live with my mom and dad. We had all the problems that a new family does and more since my sister and I were abused by our natural mother. Mom was going to college and dad was working full time. Mom's family helped with my sister and I getting clothes and stuff like that. As the years went on I grew to admire my mom because she did want alot of women couldn't do. She loved a man that didn't want anymore childern and she took his in as her own even though through out the years there was talk of her wanting her own.Our family was strong and florished we were happy we all had everything we needed and most of want we wanted.A few years back my mom started having to take anti-depression medication. At first it wasn't so bad and as the years went on it got worst.My sister and I like to call it mom's GOD COMPLEX. which basically boils down to since we had money she was better than everyone else and could treat people like sh*t. And because of her doing this alot of people in the community stopped hanging around my dad and mom. As long as it was just dad everyone would come over to shot the sh*t and have a beer and lend dad a hand.Mom tried to leave dad about8 years ago and take him for everything he had. well they worked through it and she came back. Now for my devoted father, he had my sister and I when he was young and full of life being married to my natural mother was a treat. It was only to be a one night stand at the local roller rink but she ended up pregnant with me and dad's family forced them to get married. Dad tried to make a go of it and she didn't. she when horring around town leaving me all alone in the apartment and than 2 years later when she thought that my dad had had enough she ended up pregnant with my sister. It wasn't long after that maybe a year or so they got divorced. My dad met my mom several years later and had a good life. He worked at the same job for 28 years and only took 2 sick days. He always talked about how stupid the company was run and how he was just a number there. Well at his funeral he was highly remembered by the company he worked for all those years half of his casket layout was flowers sent from his company. So in my eyes yes my father was a number in his company but it is one that they would remember.Dad accomplished alot in his short years here he had his own escavatiing company aquired lots of land and at the end was building a house for his wife unfortunally he never got to see it finished.Dad passed away 4-17-2006 from a massive heart attack only 50-75 yards for the house he was building. I guess it's my turn, I'm a 33 year old female that has been the black sheep in the family. I have always been rebelous. And have always done things differently than my parents would want.Now looking back on it I guess i was troubled about everything in my life at the time and never being able to get over the rejection of my natural mother I guess it stayed with me all these years. It was only about a month or so before she died that i made amens with her for my own good and i think that if I could have done that when i was a child maybe i would have been different who know's. Here I am 3000 miles away from my family for the pasted 10 years. I have visited once to bring back my son for the family to see and than last year for my fathers funeral.When i left 10 years ago I didnt' do it right.Not that there is a right way to leave your family.I left home got a ride from a trucker who lived in ID.and i left no phone calls to home they didnt know where i was and to top it off i left them with my daughter that was 3 years old. I couldn't take her with me for fear that i would loose her. I didnt' have an money,a job, a place to stay and that was not what i wanted for my daughter she shouldn't have to pay for the decision i make . I knew she would be taken care of and loved and have a good life and when i got back on my feet i could bring her with me.Time went on and a month or so after i had my son,my husband talked me into calling my family and telling them about my son and my life and that's when we made plans for a trip home for X-mas.It was great i stayed for 3 weeks and we came home.Not that mom didnt' try to ruin things. She was telling everyone before i came back that if she didn't think that i was taken care of my son right she would take him too. and i hadn't even gotten on the plane yet.I was furious. I called my sister and said the trip was off i didn't need the crap and my dad got on the phone and said that everything would be fine and that he would never take my kids away from me unless they were being hurt..I have endored alot of hurtful things from my mom.When my daughter was life flighted to the hospital after a 4-wheeler accident my sister wanted to call me just in case they needed donations for blood and whatever else and my mom refused until finally she gave in and my sister called me. But mom couldn't just said ok call her she said well she can come and she can give them whatever they need and than she can go straight back to Idaho.I have felt so shut out from her for so many years now with every action she does it like it's one more push out of her life and my daughters When i left all those years ago, my parents got primary custody of my daughter.they raised her like one of their own and she even called them mom and dad. I never interveined and every card or letter i signed it with my name not mom I have gone along with it for sometime now, back when my mom left my dad she took my daughter with her and wouldn't allow my dad or my sister to see her.And now comes the part were i bring this story full circle. In February this year I was sent adoption papers from my mom for my daughter. I fought and didn't sign the consent forms which in turn drove a wedge into my family. It was now a war my sister and I against my mom and my daughter helpless in the middle.A few weeks ago my sister had a date with my daughter and they had a great time they went to the movies, to dinner and meet up with one of my sisters friends. They went back to my sisters house and vegged out for awhile. around 9 my sister ask my daughter if she was ready to go home and she said she was. So my sister took her home and not 10 minutes later my mom calls my sister and is bitching her out and wanted to know who told her that my daughter was smoking. My sister was outraged my daughter had lied and my sister went down to my mom's house and tried to get it all straighten out and told mom that they didnt' talk about that at all and my daughter told the trueth and my sister said that she wanted a 1000 word apology letter in her mailbox the next day. Monday came and went and my sister stopped in at my mom's house and she didnt' have the letter. So she went in to find out where it was and mom told my sister that my daughter didn't need to do it nor did she have the time to do it. While all of this is going on mom had a guest and this so called guest happened to be gasp central of our little town not to mention she's a back stabber and has been since we were kids in school.Needless to say she has been using my mom for money and doing everything in her power to isolate my mom from her family. And for the most part it has worked.My mom sent my sister no tresspassing, harassing,or stalking papers that basically stated that my sister couldn't go to her house or contact them at all. I have been calling and this whole time and fighting with my mom to get her to see what she was doing to us,HER KIDS.I call my mom again on Saturday no answer i left a message( I told you I was stuburn)I called on sunday 4-15-07 and got to talk to my mom and after awhile she told me that she had the same papers sent to me that she had sent to my sister. Okay how much sense does this make I live in Boise ID and she lives in PA 3000 miles away andshe sent me no trespassing papers and said that my phone calls were harassing my daughter and i hadn't talked to my daughter this whole time what my mom failed to see it wasn't me or my sister causing mental stress on my daughter it was the fact the all three of us are all the family that kid has and we were fighting over her. Now that we have had our talk my mom said what made her open her eyes was the fact that my sister was in a car accident the day after Easter and no one called her to tell her. I wrote to my daughter on myspace and told her. the past 2 days have been great I have heard a cheerful fun loving kid on the phone. and as soon as mom gave her the go ahead she sent me the address to IM her and we have talked everyday since. and My sister went to one of her feild hockey games tonight. And now I see a very different young lady.I have come to realize one thing in the absents of my father in my daughters life, not just one of us can raise her it will take all of us to some degree and we all have to make room for that.Would my father be proud of us???I know he wouldn't have wanted us to hurt each other the way that we have the past couple of months.will he be proud of the out come,, only we can make that happen. They say love can overcome all well in my family i hope it holds too....
I guess I should just start at the beginning, for those of you who don't know. I was told 3 weeks ago I have both cervical and ovarian cancer.. I have been doing treatment for the past three weeks, but today was my first chemo treatment. Man did it suck (not that is was going to be fun).I'm not doing too bad so far.. but tomorrow might be a different story.When does it all end? I lost my mother to this crap a year and a half ago and than six months later i lost my father to a heart attack and now this. My sister is all beside herself about this and she scared.I understand why but what can she do she's in Pa and I'm in ID......

life

Getting through another day Current mood: cold Category: Life I guess i'm going to use these blogs as a treatment journal.WoW the day after treatment is worst than the day of.for the life of me i can't get warm. I'm sitting in the sun wrapped up in a mink blanket and my skin is still cold to the touch.My stomach is crapping like crazy.And i have at least 6 more weeks of this...I think the worst part of this is that i can't sleep..and i know i need to try believe me i what to i just can't as if this isn't enough My step mother is trying to take my daughter from me. and adopt her even against my wishes.She just had my sister serviced with papers. stating that she is not aloud to go on moms property or try to contact her at all and so there for we can't talk to my daughter either because mom will answer the phone.. And i guess i'm going to get servied them too so time this week. My step mom is crazy She has bi-polar and as been on meds for at least 10 years and now within a couple months she says she's all better and doesn't need to take the meds anymore and took herself off them..It's just craziness. and she won't tell me anything about this stuff.. even when i talk to her she didn't tell me that she was sending adoption papers to me she just let me get the papers in the mail..So in more ways than one i need to make it through this treatment process and that way i can be healthy enough to go back to PA and fight for my daughter I'm not to sure if i can fight both battles together. When it rains it pours...
another week Current mood: crushed Category: Life Well it has been a few weeks since I've wrote anything on here. My life has been in turmoil since Feb. My stepmother wants to adopt my daughter that has been living with her for the past 10 years.She has alienated herself and my daughter away from my fathers family since his death last year. none of my aunts or my sister can see or talk to my daughter without mom having something to say about it and than she tell me that she doesn't have to tell what is going on with my daughter just because she has primary custody of her i dont' need to know how she's doing in school or anything.. and this is the women i used to look up to the one that raised me since i was 7 years old... Now the past several years i'm embarrassed to claim her as my mother. I would sooner tell everyone that both of my parents are died and not mention the fact that i still have a stepmother. the women that raised me isn't this women that has torn whats left of my family apart.The women that i used to admire was strong,caring, giving,compassionate and fun to be around. Now all she wants to do is push my sister and I away and out of her life.So it can just be my daughter and her.. It's like she wants to earse any signs that my father was part of her life.. He loved her with his whole being.he gave her everything and anything that she every wanted or needed. None of us every went with out..He put her up on a petitstool above every one else.. and now all she has to tell people about her marriage is it wasn't a great marriage it was an ok marriage.he built her a huge home with his own hands and died doing it...he made sure that she would be taken care of if something happened to him and now she's telling people that he was mentally abusive to her and that he f**ked her over when he died just because she ended up paying for the house to be finished since dad didn't have it insured.. but yet she sit on a couple million and the house is 1/2 million apraised so you tell me how she was so screwed over????? what would make a person have her daughter served with no trespassing and harassing orders just because she told mom that she wanted to have a family meeting. and mom did it because she didn't like to be told what to do. and now she's going to send the same papers to me because i was asking her ?s about my daughter smoking,drinking, about childeren services being called on her and all of this is true. My mom is serving me with paper just because i won't tell her who is telling my all of this and the point is it should have come from her....all of this and trying to battle cancer tends to wear down a person.. when family should be supportive of each other... Currently listening : Not Ready to Make Nice By Dixie Chicks Release date: By 08 June, 2006
Friday, April 13, 2007 to friend or not to friend that is the big question???/ Current mood: pissed off Category: Friends Were do I start with this one..One of my friends decides to meet some one in person from Myspace. This friend of mine is very true and dear to me to the point we refer to each other as brother and sister. I've known him for 4 almost 5 years now and at this very point in his life his very sick with kidney failure,but you wouldn't know it by looking at him he looks fit as a horse. anyways back to the part that he meets this girl from here. When i meet her they have been hanging out several times and when she comes to my house she was so shy she bearly talked to me. After a few weeks I find out that she only lives a few blocks from me and i decided that when i go to my friends on the weekends I would take her with me. over a period of months that i have been sharing time with her and my friend. We have become friends or so i thought.... In January about the time she was going to move in with my friend her jealous mother decided that she wasn't going to loose her grandson at any cost and to make a long story short her mother has health and welfare step in and take the kid and have charges pressed for child neglect. she end up and moves in with my friend in January. I stood up to her family for her and stood beside her through all of this . She has never had a true friend. one that she can call on for help or anything. Some of her friends that she has had for years told her to fuck off once she told them about her son. and yet i stand by her. I tryed to show things like how normal people live. instead of hiding away in your room and letting someone else do your shit.!!!!! any who, she has depression and anxiety and is on disablity. Her mother basically locked her in her room and had her medicated to the point that she never left the house in two years and her mother took care of the baby. now to the newest thing the pasted 3 months she has lived here, my friend has had to fight to get her out of bed in the morning and normally she doesn't get out of bed until noon and than she's on the puter for a couple hours and than takes a shower and than back to the puter or watches tv. and doesn't do any house work except occasionally running the sweeper. I do dishes, cook and wash clothes and she won't even put them away. or even help with the dish she said she doesn't like to do dishes it's like having a 16 year old. and having to teach them how to run a house hold and that she needs to learn that some things need to be done even if you don't like to do them... and now for the lastest, her and my friend had a fight last night he told her that they should sleep apart for a while and put her upstairs since they have been fighting alot lately. and she blew it all out of wack and said she didn't like him any more and she was leaving and that he wasnt' her friend anymore. and because i came out she said" you moved me upstairs and had to have someone to sleep with" but she wouldn't say any names.. and after 2 hours of fighting all was quiet and i decided to start on her I asked her if i was her friend and she said she didn't know after nine months of going to the mall and walmart having her over for dinner at my house helping her move. taking her into town to visit her son cleaning the house she lives in and cooking dinner giving her clothes for her son and toys added her to my business phone plan to save her money instead of having to start up her own plan and paying a down payment. and to top it all off spending the holidays with her and her son and all she can say is she doesn't know if we are friends!!!! WHAT A SLAP IN THE FACE!!!!!! Later that night she writes me an email saying that she is sorry for what she said and that she hopes i will understand... and now today the next day not a word is said am i to just suppost forget everyting she said and go on like nothing happened.. i can't I'm pissed to say the least or should i say hurt by all of this and at the same time i love her to death.. I just don't understand and i can't just sit by and be happy if her laziness is going to continue because as it is all the stress is hurting my bro slowly killing him and I can't have that.. So what do you do?? any ideas anyone???????
Wednesday, March 28, 2007 My sister said it all Current mood: disappointed Category: Life It had to come to an end so another could be started. From the hick sticks it is all quiet on the home front and on the hillside. I don't have much to say because I already got it all out the phone today. I have a question "what is Bipolar" A. is it mental illness B. A mental illness brought on by asshole talking to a person C. Or just an excuse Answer:::::: It is a mental illness that has to have medication the rest of your life to keep a balanced mentally. I did have someone tell me that even her doctor said it was because of asshole people talking to her ,so as long as she avoids talking to assholes she nolonger has to take her meds. I would like to talk to her quack because I haven't seen anything to confirm that finding

I guess i'm going to use these blogs as a treatment journal.WoW the day after treatment is worst than the day of.for the life of me i can't get warm. I'm sitting in the sun wrapped up in a mink blanket and my skin is still cold to the touch.My stomach is crapping like crazy.And i have at least 6 more weeks of this...I think the worst part of this is that i can't sleep..and i know i need to try believe me i what to i just can't as if this isn't enough My step mother is trying to take my daughter from me. and adopt her even against my wishes.She just had my sister serviced with papers. stating that she is not aloud to go on moms property or try to contact her at all and so there for we can't talk to my daughter either because mom will answer the phone.. And i guess i'm going to get servied them too so time this week. My step mom is crazy She has bi-polar and as been on meds for at least 10 years and now within a couple months she says she's all better and doesn't need to take the meds anymore and took herself off them..It's just craziness. and she won't tell me anything about this stuff.. even when i talk to her she lets me get the papers in the mail..So in more ways than one i need to make it through this treatment process and that way i can be healthy enough to go back to PA and fight for my daughter I'm not to sure if i can fight both battles together. When it rains it pours...


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