I knew him for 10 years, and if I said I didn't love him, I'd be lieing. We met on the net back when I was new to all of this, and making friends was all I had in mind. I was newly married and had a baby on the way, and I was always home by myself. My husband was always working, sleeping and out with the guys..So the internet was my escape, and it was something for me to do to help pass the time.
He was married also, and him and his wife were in the process of divorcing. He needed someone to talk to, and he found me. We were both in the same boat, so to speak, and we found comfort in knowing that we could relate to eachother. It was July 4th weekend in 1999 when I herd from him last, and I was totally shocked that he had just vanished like he did. Six months later, I was in the middle of a divorce when I was sitting in a chatroom on YAHOO one Sunday morning, and I saw him pop into the room. He started to voice chat in the room and I felt my heart skip a beat. I said hello to him and the room grew quiet. He pm.ed me and asked me to call him, so I did.. He asked me how I was, and I told him how my life was going and how lost I felt..He invited me down to his house for a weekend of fun in the sun, out on the beach, and good conversation..I jumped at the chance to get away for a while!
Needless to say, 3 months later , I was waking up to him every morning. I had never jumped into anything before in my life, but this seemed so right..It felt like I belonged there..This lasted 3 years, and we grew apart..With him working off shore and me being left there, alone, I kinda felt like I was married again. I knew the time had come for me to move on and let him be, so in Feb. of 2004, I moved here..
We kept in touch for a while..Until it became too much for me to deal with, and we lost touch. He later got re-married and had 2 kids. His life was going good, or at least he put on a great front. He sent me an e-mail a month ago, telling me he should have never let me go. He said that he loved me dearly, and he was sorry for breaking my heart like he did..I was dumb founded..He had NEVER admitted to being wrong about anything..EVER..This was very odd for him..He ended the e-mail with the phrase " I will always love you, I will always need you, and I will never let you be alone again." Two days later, he killed himself..
It's very confusing on my end about how to deal with this.I loved him, and yet, I so hate him right now..Am I crazy? How can I ever want to get close to anyone ever again?