Where to begin? I have no idea; I have been in such a bad mood lately and felt so horrible that I have been more of a complete bitch than usual. I would apologize to people except that the ones that I care about know how I am and will forgive me without the damn apology. You would think though that since I have been sick that there wouldn’t have been too much going on in my life, but oh no as with any soap opera my life never stops not even for illness.
What piece of drama do I begin with? Alright let’s start with the illness since so many of you ask about that anyway. I appreciate you all wishing me well and telling me that I will feel better soon but the fact if folks that no I will not feel better. This is a viral infection of the blood stream that I have and it will never go away, it will get better in the fact that the drugs will suppress the pain and symptoms but it will never go away. I’m learning to live with it; I know it is never going away. I know that I will be on these drugs the rest of my life and I am making the best of it. My life has to go back to normal - ok well normal for me anyway. So, it’s all back to fun and wickedness as far as everyone is concerned, just bear with me if I am not in my usual joking or flirtatious mood. I’ll be back to myself before long.
So, what else? Ah, I will not even venture into the realm of the men in my life. We are just going to pretend that there are no men in my world and that I never have to deal with any of them again. Ok, so let me explain why this is at least. The men I am attracted to are just not the right ones for me. There is always some reason that I can’t be with them . . . The reasons are varied of course and range from something as simple as he is an asshole that I would end up killing to the fact that they are just geographically out of reach. It all sucks I tell ya so now they are no men - just me!!!!!!!!!!
Am I still depressed; well yes of course I am. Things have not as you may have guessed gotten better since my depression hit, they have spiraled a little downward. But there is nothing I can do about any of it, smile and pretend that life is ok. I haven’t had the desire to go out or do anything lately which I guess can be viewed as a good thing, but I am also going insane all alone in my house. I had Tig Dog come stay with me last night so I wouldn’t be alone. Yea hi know he is a dog but he is company. I don’t know why I am so fucking lonely lately . . . It bothers me. I don’t like feeling as though I have no control over anything and this is a feeling that I seem to have no control over and it is killing me. Never realized how controlling I was until recently . . . Lol.
Isn’t it amazing though how you can be alone for so long and never once feel lonely and then one day wake up and the pangs of loneliness won’t stop?! It is a horrible feeling loneliness; nothing seems to push it away. I spend time with people but the feeling is still there, I think I have it figured out though. I think it is not just loneliness it is companionship that I am searching for, someone to keep me company. I am not looking for someone to spend an hour here or there with anymore, I want someone who can satisfy my desire to be with someone.
Oh my god did I just type that?! That’s it I am sounding like my mother. I swear that is what I thought about her all those years growing up, she couldn’t stand not having a man in her life, she couldn’t be alone, and she always had to have someone around. I don’t want to be like that, I have tried my entire life to not be that and now look at what I just said. What the hell have I become. I don’t want to be a weak willed and needy person like her . . . I’d rather die honestly than be that person . . . I can’t allow myself to be that.
Oh ok ok, I need to go get some shit done around here since I have done nothing for a week. I have to get my nails painted too since I go back to work tomorrow. I can’t have them looking terrible at work now can I? Alright I really don’t care but it spruces up the fucking navy blue and black - yes blue uniform with black boots - yuck!!! So I am off now.
