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What scares me....

Well for those of you who have noticed an absence- mid terms are just now over and I am still working four days a week. Two eight hour day shifts on Tuesday and Thursday, and two 12.5 hour shifts on Friday and Saturday nights. Being in the hospital and interacting with patients has made me think a lot. I have seen babies who are born weeks early the youngest being born at 21 weeks. I have seen patients who are in their last days of varying ages. I have been bedside giving treatments and medication to people on the last day of their lives. I have realized that so much of my life I have spend worrying about dying. I have worried that I will have a heart attack, or maybe a fatal car accident. Now I know that it was wrong to fear those things- No I am still afraid of dying- but now I see that those are merciful deaths compared to the many ways we can go. I realized that kidney failure or liver failure terrify me. Watching the patients day in and day out- slowing jaundicing. Hearing their futile pleas for water, knowing some are permitted less than a cup of liquid a day. It tears me up inside to look in their eyes- to see eyes looking back that appear to be painted highlighter yellow. Knowing that I will get thirsty later in my shift, put my 1.25 in the machine and drink a soda- yet they no longer have that luxury. I am also terrified of diabetes. I have started watching what I eat. Trying to take better care of myself. Within a week of being in the hospital I saw how vicious diabetes can be. Seeing a patient come in with necrosis. Watching them have toes, half a foot, a calf or a leg removed. The black sores that develop on their bodies. The decresed immune response. How a simple cut on your foot can cause you to lose your entire leg. How they do not seem to heal. I can not imagine watching my body slowly cut away- losing it bit by bit. Those people are stronger than me. Watching families arguing over the dying- fighting over the petty things instead of spending those last moments with a loved one. Watching those who are placed on vents, to prolong the inevitable. Some things can not yet be cured, yet life support is used anyway. Ventilators are to be used to buy time, to provide rest- but are not cures in themselves. I am for life support- but only when used responsibly. I have seen life support saved lots of lives- esp neonates. On that note- I am thinking of being NPS- Neonatal Pediatric Specialized. I love working with kids. While it is saddening- how great it is to see a child survive? To know that your part will affect the life of a person for the rest of their life. Ok. Enuf randomness- Just had to get that out. Time for bed. If ur bored- why dont ya rate my pics or my profile!!
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