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What Psychology Professionals Should Know About Polyamory The Lifestyles and Mental Health Concerns of Polyamorous Individuals Geri D. Weitzman gdw@numenor.org Based on a paper presented at the 8th Annual Diversity Conference March 12th, 1999 ~ Albany, New York Table of Contents * Introduction * Types of polyamory * Benefits of polyamory * Demographic data on polyamory * Therapists’ views of polyamory * What is known about the psychological and social functioning of polyamorous individuals? * Specific concerns of polyamorous individuals, which therapists can help with * Future research and conclusions * References * Appendix A: Ways that therapists can be of help to polyamorous individuals and partners * Appendix B: Polyamory resources * Permission to duplicate this paper * Acknowledgements Introduction In our culture, we tend to assume that people are monogamous. People generally have relationships with only one person at a time; those who have relationships with more than one person are assumed to be "unattached and dating," or cheating. But there exists a third alternative. Polyamory is a lifestyle in which a person may have more than one romantic relationship, with consent and enthusiasm expressed for this choice by each of the people concerned. Polyamory is distinguished from infidelity by the presence of honest communication between partners and lovers about the existence of each of these relationships in their lives (Hymer & Rubin, 1982). Not much is known by the psychology field concerning polyamory. Our textbooks on family functioning don't mention it, our diversity literature doesn't incorporate it, and many members of the polyamory community have reported encounters with therapists who are uninformed at best, or biased at worst, about this lifestyle. As a polyamorous woman who is also a psychology professional, I am in a position to try and bridge this distance between the polyamorous community and the psychology profession. This paper will aim to provide psychology professionals with a general introduction to the lifestyles and concerns of polyamorous individuals. It is hoped that this will enhance psychology professionals' understanding of, and ability to provide services to, polyamorous clientele. I will begin this paper by describing the three main variations of polyamory and the benefits that polyamorous individuals reap from this lifestyle, followed by some demographic data about the prevalence of polyamory within our culture. Following this, I will present a summary of the research studies that have been conducted on polyamory to date. Therapists' views of polyamory will be examined, and empirical data on the psychological and interpersonal functioning of polyamorous individuals will be presented. A brief multicultural perspective will be included as well. Next, I will describe some of the unique concerns that polyamorous individuals may bring to therapy. The position of this paper is that polyamory is a valid and healthy lifestyle; however, just as there are stressors associated with being gay or bisexual in a heterosexual society, so are there stressors associated with being polyamorous in a monogamous society. The final section of this paper will suggest ways in which a polyamory-aware therapist can help a polyamorous client to navigate successfully through these stressors. It should of course be noted that polyamorous individuals may seek therapy for reasons that have nothing to do with their lifestyle per se; however, the knowledge that their therapist is supportive of their lifestyle as a whole will facilitate a more successful therapeutic rapport. Top Types of Polyamory There are three main variations of polyamory. In the first, "one relationship takes priority over others," as in a relationship that allows partners to include outside lovers (D. Corbett, personal communication, 3/17/99). Ties with the additional lovers are seen as a source of added joy and enrichment in the partners' lives (Peabody, 1982). There is asense that "sex and love are independent and sex should be enjoyed for its own sake" (Ramey, 1975, p. 518). The original couple considers their relationship to be their "primary" bond, and it is the relationship that they each devote the most time, energy and loyalty to. The emotional bonds with these other lovers may be close or they may be casual, but they are not as strong as the bond between the original partners. One sub-type is the 'swinging' relationship, in which two or more couples 'swap' partners for a limited time under strictly defined circumstances. Another sub-type is the 'open relationship,' in which one partner's taking a lover does not need to occur simultaneously with the other partner's doing so. The next type of polyamorous relationship is one in which two or more relationships are of comparable weight, but the person's partners do not have a strong relationship with each other. (D. Corbett, personal communication, 3/17/99). Each of these relationships are considered to be of importance in the person's life, and significant time and energy is devoted to each. The third type of polyamorous relationship is the poly-family: "an inter-relationship of 3 or more people, in which there is a strong relational commitment between all members (which may or may not include sex)" (D. Corbett, personal communication, 3/17/99). The members spend significant amounts of time together as a group, and the well-being ofeach person is a significant priority to each of the others. This is not an exhaustive list of potential polyamory configurations, but these are the main patterns upon which specific relationships are typically negotiated. What these relationships have in common is a rejection of the expectation that one partner can meet all of the other's relationship needs - emotional, social, sexual, economic, and intellectual (Peabody, 1982, p. 428). Polyamory is seen as enhancing both personal and interpersonal growth, as closer associations with people who have among them a wide variety of personality traits and personal strengths are formed. Top Benefits of Polyamory There are many benefits that polyamorous people reap from this lifestyle. Many find joy in having close relationships on both sexual and emotional planes with multiple partners and/or lovers. The couple that decides to open their relationship to include others is often highly secure in the strength of their partnership bond, and welcoming of the opportunities for personal growth that come from close associations with new and diverse people. Polyamorous families in which the partners all live together derive all the benefits of household cooperation, which include more people to share chores, watch the children, and pay the rent. The cost of living per person decreases when there are a greater number of people who pool their incomes and energies and share resources among them. Ramey (1975) notes the following positive elements to polyamory: increased personal freedom; greater depth to social relationships; the potential for sexual exploration in a non-judgmental setting; a strengthening of spousal bonds; a sense of being desired; a feeling of belongingness; added companionship; increased self-awareness; intellectualvariety; and the chance for new aspects of personality to emerge through relating to more people. To this list I would add two additional elements. First, polyamorous individuals tend to gain a lot of practice at communicating their needs and negotiating arrangements that are satisfactory to all. The ability to process what is happening between the members of a group is one which the psychology profession can well appreciate. Second, the polyamorous community is a sex-positive one, which means that the beauty and happiness of a variety of forms of sexual sharing between consenting adults are affirmed. There is considerable acceptance for bisexuality, transgenderism, and other alternative lifestyles among the polyamorous community. Despite the polyamorous community's perception of this lifestyle as one from which many benefits may be derived, this view is often contested by others. People who are in polyamorous relationships face social disapproval and legal discrimination similar to that experienced by members of the lesbian, gay and bisexual community (Peabody, 1982). Recently a legal case was heard in which a young child was removed from a polyamorous household after her grandparents petitioned for custody, on the grounds that the home environment was immoral according to the Bible. No evidence of child abuse or neglect was found, and mental health professionals found that the child was well-adjusted; but the child's family still had to fight a court battle in order to have her returned; and even then, the child was only returned on the grounds that one of the three parents move out (Cloud, 1999). Top Demographic data on polyamory While openly polyamorous relationships are relatively rare (Rubin, 1982), there are indications that private polyamorous arrangements within relationships are actually quite common. Blumstein and Schwartz (1983, cited in Rubin & Adams, 1986) noted that of 3,574 married couples in their sample, 15-28% had "an understanding that allows nonmonogamy under some circumstances. The percentages are higher among cohabitating couples (28%), lesbian couples (29%) and gay male couples (65%)" (p. 312). Top Therapists' views of polyamory Clearly, such a widespread phenomenon is an important one for mental health professionals to understand. There is a perception within the polyamorous community, however, that therapists are not well-informed about their lifestyles and needs. This limits the extent to which polyamorous individuals feel that they have access to quality mental health services (Roman, Charles & Karasu, 1978). Some polyamorous individualsreport a reluctance to seek therapy due to fear of bias. Others find it necessary to use expensive therapy sessions to educate their therapists about what polyamory is, and to convince them that a polyamorous lifestyle in itself is no more pathological than, say, a gay lifestyle. Textbooks about "normal family functioning" do not include references to polyamorous lifestyles, and this contributes further to ignorance about polyamory on the part of mainstream therapists. Hymer and Rubin (1982) conducted a study in which therapists were asked to imagine the psychological profile of a typical polyamorous person. 24% of these therapists imagined that polyamorous individuals feared commitment or intimacy, 15% of these therapists imagined that they were in marriages that were not fulfilling, and 7% hypothesized that they might have identity problems. In another study, Knapp (1975) found that 33% of her sample of therapists believed that people who pursued a polyamorous lifestyle had personality disorders and neurotic tendencies, and 20% suggested that such people might have antisocial personalities. 9-17% of the therapists "stated they would use their professional skills to try to influence clients to abandon sexually open marriages" (p.509). As these studies show, polyamorous clients who seek out therapy "are often stigmatized and penalized by the very system of human services originally set up to help them in such crises" (Sussman, 1974, cited in Roman et al., 1978, p.409). It is nortworthy that Knapp (1975) found that therapists considered people who were involved in secret extramarital affairs to be more 'normal' than those who communicated honestly with their partners about their participation in other relationships. These therapists' views are not concealed from their polyamorous clients. Rubin and Adams (1978, cited in Hymer & Rubin, 1982) "found that among those clients who had a sexually open marriage and sought therapy, 27% indicated that their therapists were nonsupportive of their nonmonogamous relationship" (p.533). Sometimes this disapproval was expressed in overt ways, and other times it was more covert. While not all therapists evidenced such biases, enough did that many clients became wary of seeking mental health services. Knapp (1975, cited in Hymer & Rubin, 1982) noted that "the three greatest fears facing prospective alternative lifestyle clients were: therapists' condemnation of their lifestyle, pressure to return to a 'healthier' form of marriage, and being diagnosed in terms of psychopathology" (p. 533). The clinical portrait that some therapists have painted of polyamorous clients is a rather negative one. Is it in fact a realistic one? The next section of this presentation examines whether the negative view of polyamorous individuals that some therapists have expressed is borne out by empirical data. Top What is known about the psychological and social functioning of polyamorous individuals? In 1976, Knapp administered a battery of standardized psychological assessment measures to a sample of polyamorous couples (Peabody, 1982). No significant differences were found between the couples in her sample and the general population norms. "That is, neither group was particularly neurotic, immature, promiscuous, maladjusted, pathological, or sexually inadequate... The response patterns suggested a modal type of individual in a sexually open marriage who was individualistic, an academic achiever, creative, nonconforming, stimulated by complexity and chaos, inventive, relatively unconventional and indifferent to what others said, concerned abut his/her own personal values and ethical systems, and willing to take risks to explore possibilities" (p. 429). Watson (1981, cited in Rubin, 1982) gave the California Psychological Inventory (Gough, 1957) to 38 sexually open individuals, and these subjects also scored within normal bounds. Additional work has been done in the area of marital adjustment. Buunk (1980, cited in Rubin, 1982) found that couples with open marriages in the Netherlands were normal in terms of marriage satisfaction, self-esteem, and neuroticism. Spanier's (1976) Dyadic Adjustment Scale was used to compare sexually open couples with sexually exclusive ones (Rubin, 1982), and no differences were found in adjustment or happiness between the two groups. "Nothing in this data argues for the view that sexual openness or exclusivity, in and of themselves, make a difference in the overall adjustment of a married couple" (p. 107). A follow-up study (Rubin & Adams, 1986) found that after several years, there was no significant difference in marital stability (i.e. breaking up vs. staying together) between those couples who had been polyamorous versus those whose marriages had been exclusive. Similar proportions of each group reported happiness versus unhappiness, compared to the earlier sample. Additionally, "the reasons given for breakup were almost never related to extramarital sex" (p. 318). When polyamorous relationships ended, common reasons given included growing apart in general interests, feeling unequal levels of attraction to one another, and dealing with the stresses of long-distance (Ramey, 1975). Another study (Peabody, 1982) found that most respondents reported feeling satisfied with their primary relationship, and felt positively about their partner having sexual relations with others. It was found that polyamorous individuals had slightly less frequent sex than the national average, emphasizing social activities, warmth, and open communication. "The continuing emphasis was a focus on warmth, acceptance, communication and friendship with the freedom to touch, caress, and have the potentialfor sexual activity if chosen" (p 429). As these studies show, "the alternative life styles chosen by individuals are not necessarily the cause nor the result of unhealthy personalities; in actuality, the alternative life style behavior may be supportive of the psychological health of the individuals" (Peabody, 1982, 426,434). Thus, therapists should not assume that polyamory is maladaptive, or that people in polyamorous unions would improve their relationships by shifting to a traditional monogamous style. Therapists who maintain that monogamy is inherently preferable to polyamory may be reflecting their own cultural biases, rather than considering what is best for their client's individual needs. In many cultures, polyamory is the norm, and many benefits of this lifestyle have been reported. For instance, in Nigeria it is said that "the sharing of responsibilities among members may greatly dilute the burden, financial or otherwise, of care for members with problems" (Makanjuola, 1987, p. 366). Venezuelan Yanomamo women who choose a polygynous lifestyle may not need to work as long on household and child-care tasks as their monogamous sisters do, due to co-operation between co-wives (Hames, 1996). In sum, many polyamorous people "are in relatively stable primary relationships and do not seem to be motivated by neurotic and pathological needs." (Peabody, 1982, p.430). Now, the polyamorous lifestyle, while not inherently pathological, can present some unique challenges. The next section of this presentation will describe some of the lifestyle-specific concerns that polyamorous individuals may present with in therapy, and that therapists can be of help with (see also Appendix A). It should be remembered, of course, that polyamorous individuals often seek therapy for reasons that have nothing to do with their lifestyle per se. Top Specific concerns of polyamorous individuals, which therapists can help with One challenge that polyamorous individuals need to contend with is the label of deviance (Knapp, 1975; Mann, 1975). They may be shunned by members of some conservative religions, and (as in the example of the triad whose custody of their daughter was challenged) they are subject to legal discrimination. Polyamorous unions are not typically recognized by church or state, and spousal health benefits are not available for one's non-married partner. Many of the discriminations that the gay community faces are concerns for the polyamorous community as well (Browning, Reynolds, & Dworkin, 1991). Often, polyamorous individuals choose not to reveal their multiple relationships to outsiders, as they perceive non-acceptance for their lifestyle from the wider society, (Peabody, 1982). Even close family members may be excluded from this knowledge (Ziskin & Ziskin, 1975). A study by Watson and Watson (1982) found that while 75% of polyamorous survey respondents wanted their children to know of their lifestyle, only 21% had actually informed their children of the full extent of their involvements withother partners. "Some incorporate their children with them in the company of their secondary partners, and indicate that they enjoy the process of modeling an alternative for their children. Other parents feel that sharing the news of their lifestyle would be too upsetting for their children, or would not be understood, or would be shared openly withneighbors and school friends" (p.54). There are many strains that accompany the keeping of so large and important a secret (Browning et al., 1991). There is the fear of being discovered and shunned by people who might disapprove. There is the stress that comes along with the lack of recognition of one's partners: for example, the partner who is not invited to family gatherings and office parties may feel excluded and devalued. If the polyamorous individual has children who are not aware of the arrangement, there is the need to arrange a time and place to meet in private, rather than in the comfort of one's home. Polyamorous individuals may seek therapy to learn ways to cope with these stressors. When the relationship is not kept secret, polyamorous individuals often feel that they need to prove to others that their lifestyle is viable (Falco, 1995). When polyamorous relationships end, it is often assumed by outsiders that the relationship structure was to blame, when in fact any number of other factors might have been behind the breakup. Fewpeople would think to ask whether a breakup of a monogamous couple was due to the couple’s choice of monogamy as a lifestyle. A polyamory-aware therapist can assist in the aftermath of a breakup by affirming that the client is not letting the polyamorous community down in ending their relationship, and by assisting them in regaining the courage to pursue this type of bond again if they choose to. Members of monogamous couples sometimes seek the assistance of marriage counselors in negotiating the agreements and boundaries of their relationship; and the support of a polyamory-aware marriage therapist can be especially beneficial to polyamorous partners (Ramey, 1975; Ziskin & Ziskin, 1975). First, there are few social models for structuring a polyamorous relationship, and so polyamorous partners often find themselves charting new territories as they look for ways to meet the needs of all who are involved. Second, it is an even more complicated matter to balance the needs of multiple individuals than it is to make compromises between the members of a pair, and so the assistance of an experienced mediator might ease the process. There are several issues upon which polyamorous partners commonly negotiate (Ramey, 1975). One is the introduction of new lovers and partners. Are new relationships subject to the approval of the existing partner/s? Are any restrictions placed upon the new relationship, such as limits on the amount of time that may be spent together, or specificsexual acts that are reserved for the original couple alone? Can the bedroom that is shared by the longstanding couple be used for time spent together with new partners? Will the new relationship ever become equal in status to the existing one, or is the existing one expected to remain primary? Are outsiders to be informed of the existence of the additional relationship (Knapp, 1975)? Another area is communication (Ramey, 1975; Ziskin & Ziskin, 1975). Are one's newer partners expected to socialize with the existing ones, or are the relationships kept separate? Does an individual let their partner know when they are seeing their other partner, or is discretion preferred? Do all members talk over disputes together as a group, or are conflicts settled in pairs? A third area to be negotiated is the sharing of tasks and expenses (Ramey, 1975). Are moneys and possessions pooled for group use, or maintained individually? How are child-care duties and housework divided? A well-informed therapist can also assist a couple who is first considering a polyamorous lifestyle in considering whether this is the right choice for them (Peabody, 1982). The therapist can assist the couple in exploring how they will cope with such issues as jealousy, discrimination, setting up ground rules, preventing sexually transmitted diseases, and potential pregnancies (Ziskin & Ziskin, 1975). When it is one partner in a couple who wishes to introduce polyamory into the relationship, the therapist can help them to decide how to bring up the topic, and can assist them in preparing for the responses that the partner might have. A therapist can also help people who are in a troubled polyamorous relationship to decide whether to continue in this lifestyle, and to cope with their feelings of regret and loss if not. A therapist can let polyamorous clients know about polyamory support groups and resources in their area (see Appendix B). The polyamorous community is geographically scattered, and it does not have the same visibility that other subcultures, like the gay community, do. In large cities there may be regular social gatherings, and from time to time there are regional conferences, but one needs to know where to look in order to find these (Rubin, 1982). In the late 1990's, the polyamorous community is linked primarily by the Internet. Web pages provide pointers to local social gatherings, listservs, and chat rooms that are devoted to polyamory concerns. The polyamorous community also overlaps significantly with other subcultures in which alternative lifestyles are accepted, such as the lesbian, gay and bisexual community and science-fiction fandom. The venues of these subcultures provide additional opportunities for the polyamorous community to network. Pointers to the polyamorous community at large can be a tremendous source of support to those who come out as polyamorous. Top Future Research and Conclusions The next step in this field of research is to provide mental health practitioners with a more thorough picture of polyamorous individuals' lives and needs. As most of the extant body of research on the polyamorous community was conducted 15-25 years ago, it is important to gather information that reflects the community as it is today. This might be facilitated by a qualitative study in which polyamorous individuals are interviewed in-depth, so that they may convey to therapists in their own words what their lifestyles and needs are today. Interview topics might include: the language that polyamorous individuals use to describe their relationships; the structure of their relationships; and the ways in which they relate to the hegemonic monogamous culture. It will also be important to ask what issues they might seek therapy to address, such as: what attributes are preferred in a therapist; what their therapy experiences have been like; and what they think therapists should know about polyamory. It is hoped that this paper has provided some broader insight into the lifestyles and mental health concerns of polyamorous individuals. Clearly, the field of polyamory research is a fertile one in which there is much opportunity - and much need - for continued research and awareness. Top References Browning, C., Reynolds, A. L., & Dworkin, S. H. (1991). Affirmative Psychotherapy for lesbian women. Counseling Psychologist, 19(2), 177-196. Cloud, J. (1999). Henry & Mary & Janet & ... . Time Magazine, 154(20). Falco, K. L. (1995). Therapy with lesbians: The essentials. Psychotherapy in Private Practice, 13(4), 69-83. Hames, R. (1996). Costs and benefits of monogamy and polygyny for Yanomamo women. Ethnology and Sociobiology, 17, 181-199. Hymer, S. M., & Rubin, A. M. (1982). Alternative lifestyle clients: Therapists' attitudes and clinical experiences. Small Group Behavior, 13 (4), 532-541. Knapp, J. J. (1975). Some non-monogamous marriage styles and related attitudes and practices of marriage counselors. The Family Coordinator, 24(4), 505-514. Makanjuola, R. O. A. (1987). The Nigerian psychiatric patient and his family. International Journal of Family Psychiatry, 8(4), 363-373. Mann, J (1975). Is sex counseling here to stay? The Counseling Psychologist, 5(1), 60-63. Peabody, S. A. (1982). Alternative life styles to monogamous marriage: Variants of normal behavior in psychotherapy clients. Family Relations, 31, 425-434. Ramey, J. W. (1975). Intimate groups and networks: Frequent consequence of sexually open marriage. The Family Coordinator, 24(4), 515-530. Roman, M., Charles, E., & Karasu, T. B. (1978). The value system of psychotherapists and changing mores. Psychotherapy Theory, Research and Practice, 15 (4), 409-415. Rubin, A. M. (1982). Sexually open versus sexually exclusive marriage: A comparison of dyadic adjustment. Alternative Lifestyles, 5(2), 101-106. Rubin, A. M., & Adams, J. R. (1986). Outcomes of sexually open marriages. The Journal of Sex Research, 22(3), 311-319. Watson, J., & Watson, M. A. (1982). Children of open marriages: Parental disclosure and perspectives. Alternative Lifestyles 5(1), 54-62. Ziskin, J., & Ziskin, M. (1975). Co-marital sex agreements: An emerging issue in sexual counseling. The Counseling Psychologist, 6(1), 81-83. Top Appendix A Ways that Therapists Can Be of Help to Polyamorous Individuals and Partners - helping one partner to decide how to raise the idea of becoming polyamorous to another - helping partners to decide if polyamory is right for them - helping partners to decide what form of polyamory is best for them - helping partners to negotiate the agreements and boundaries of their relationship - helping polyamorous individuals to locate polyamorous communities in their region - pointing them to resources such as articles and books and websites on polyamory - helping polyamorous individuals to approach the coming out process - helping polyamorous individuals to cope with and combat discrimination - helping partners in a troubled relationship to negotiate solutions - raising social awareness of polyamory, and combatting stereotypes / prejudice - changing language on forms (i.e. "name of partner/s," not "name of spouse") - noting in counseling center brochures that polyamory is understood/accepted - learning more on their own about polyamory issues, using the resources listed - expanding textbooks on family psychology to include a chapter on polyamory Top Appendix B Polyamory Resources Polyamory Info, Books, Events and Group Listings Nationwide http://www.polyamory.org http://www.polyamory.com Loving More Magazine and Web Site http://www.lovemore.com (303)543-7540 Usenet Newsgroup alt.polyamory Email lists poly@polyamory.org Subscribe at http://poly.polyamory.org/mailman/listinfo/poly (or by sending email to listserv@polyamory.org with the body of the message reading SUB POLY firstname lastname) The Loving More Lists -- Publically accessible web and email based lists on topics such as poly discussion, poly activism, poly parenting and others. Subscribe at http://www.techmesa.com/cgi-bin/lyris.pl Web site of polyamory-aware mental health and legal professionals http://www.polychromatic.com/pfp/ Top PERMISSION TO DUPLICATE Readers are welcome to print a copy of this paper for personal use, and to share with mental health professionals, provided that they leave all authorship attributions intact. Top ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS The author would like to thank the following people for their assistance in proofreading and improving this paper: Barbara A David Corbett Johnny D Joe M Mom Hugh Stearns
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