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masochist's lullaby

Sitting here alone; never knew loneliness had a taste

Been bathing in sunshine, trying to fill this dark void inside of me

Writing and repeating pretty words to put my mind at rest

Chasing dead dreams that never prospered; only seeing the death of stars instead of their birth

Aching to be touched, to be held, within this otherwise empty, walking corpse

Running towards the ascending moon, as though I can catch her & make her bear witness to my despair

Crying at the forsaken ashes of those I knew or once loved; leaving their old bones in a field, planted, and yet nothing ever grew

Catching fireflies in a jar, lighting my way at night, when things are beautiful & mysterious; when everything I feared came out

I walk this endless cycle, aching, beaten & bruised; the clock ticking away, trading one minute for the next as I wander through the woods, wondering what happens next in this masochistic lullaby

What is & what will be

If I really have to take a wild guess, I’ll tell you that all of the memories made might just turn themselves into reels and reels of tape, rewound a thousand times just to be watched with less focus with every gaze. I’ll tell you, right now, that I’ll always be apart of you just like you will always be a part of me- seeping ourselves into each other’s crevices and cracks; the ones that nobody can ever reach.. just like the ones sought with the next person you find yourself loving. And, I’ll tell you right now that it’s possible to love after you and me. I’ll tell you that you’ll stop thinking of me consciously, but you’ll never stop thinking of me altogether; that sometimes you’ll think of me even when you don’t want to, and sometimes, the thoughts of me, of us, will be okay... that one day, I might become one of the memories that make you smile, whether or not we ever rekindle feelings or connections. I’ll tell you that time will make due of all the apologies left unsaid and bring warmth to the parts of the heart you thought you’ve locked up and thrown away. I can tell you right now that you’ll never be able to listen to another song by The Cure and withhold from remembering the countless times we’ve screamed the lyrics by heart and that you can never work another find a word puzzle without remembering my theory. I’ll tell you that these memories won’t hinder you from loving the next person fully, or even more than you’ve ever loved me and I’m telling you that the same applies to me too.. that thinking of each other, of past relationships and persons, is only natural and simple.. that without complication and further thought, it will just be what it is and nothing more. I forgive you, right now...ahead of time, for telling her I didn’t really mean that much to you; for describing the times we shared with less detail and more fabrication towards the edges of wear and tear.. That remembering sometimes might help you realize why she’s acting a certain way or saying certain things- I’m telling you because remembering is going to help you be better than the man you were to me, that the room for growth is limitless and beautiful if you just try. I’m telling you now that I won’t blame you if you forget about the places you’ve taken me that you’re taking her to now, for falling asleep with stains of ‘us’ caked deep, and for the earth shattering emotions that you may feel for her, just like you felt for me. And perhaps, when it happens, I’ll tell you now that it’ll hurt so much that it may bring me to my knees, I’ll tell you now that the colors of you will be etched with crayon and loved like a child will always love his security blanket, that I’ll bleed the touch of your skin dry until I forget what you feel like, that I’ll search for the same iris and the same whites of your eyes before remembering to love the ones of mine.. and if I have to guess, I’ll tell you right now that it’ll break me a thousand times over before I can remold but I’m thanking you right now because I know that I will, because loving you has taught me how to love myself.

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