dezalynd's blog: "What If"

The last tear, wrote it in April 06 I'd tried to escape the anxiety, I'd tried to forget all the pain, listening only to my heart, slowly driving me insain. I fell hard for the words, all the lies you had told, still I followed my heart, and watched my life unfold. Instinctively I knew, inside of my head, yet I tried so many times, feeling lifeless and dead. I hid the pain, and truth inside, even though I knew our love had died. I tried for many reasons, for which I can't explain, to hold on and be a family, with no life of mine to gain. I loved you more out of duty, although everyone asked me why, told me to move on with life, and kiss the past goodbye. I finally found freedom, away from the fear, listening to all of me, I've shed my last tear.....

A message of love and hope go your way an end to the torment you pass day to day a love that consoles though the past has erased remember MY LOVE, is far from replaced. Though nights seem lonely, and tears well your eyes forever I'm bound in this love I disguise for truely as hearts beat and become one I send with it my unconditional love. With hearts so true I bare only your name I have only my weakness 4 loss of you to blame A heart once broken shall beat true again with it I'll love you without an end.

its about time that I realize that all I am and all I have is what U made me. Shouldnt I have realized this long ago before I break me. Its all about to end this game we play, forgive me now for your gonna go away, straight into the fire I send you. Forbidden fruit the poison I give to you. Its all about how u made me realize that all I needed in my life was right here all along, I didn't need you to make me who I am. Im greater now without you, understand. Someone finally told me I could be so much greater without you by my side and even though it took some time to let the pain sink in and finally die, I finally found the reason Im alive. couldnt take the time to do what i have done to make me better to be the number one they all told me i could be. yet now Im free. I take this as my chance to shine to break all ties that held me down now im stronger and your the one whos weak and out of love, and outta time.

I wonder why I dream a dream to complete the dream that was once me to figure out if I could be everything you tell me. I imagine this world a better place where I can raise my baby in peace instead of all the insanity and that is why I dream. I dream a dream so beautiful I seldom want to wake to come back to this nightmare that we live in day to day. I dream a dream in solitude when nights are spent alone wishing I could live the dream and live in my new home. The dream I dream is beautiful and I wish to go there now so Goodnight to all us sinners and find sweet dreams, SOMEHOW!!!

I thought I was through crying over you, I thought the love I had, had died. I never knew I could still feel this way, now Im trapping the tears inside. I know that I could never trust you, so why shatter what I had become u never loved me enough to stand by me, I had finally thought the pain was done. Still the tears flow when I know u lied just like you always do. When will I finally realize that lyings part of you. I could never trust u again like I had, when you never seem to change. I no longer know how to believe in you, so my life feels rearranged. I never should have let you back in but the feelings were always there. I dont know how to change the fact, that I will always care. Forgive me for all that I have done, I thought this time u would be the one person I could rely on. I guess I can rely on noone but me.

Well I've lived my life ashamed of who I am, and I've tried so hard to make people understand that before my life gets better, I have to believe in who I am and what i can be. So many people tell me that I can succeed If I just try and maybe just believe. That i can be and do almost anything, than my soul will be at ease. Yet the thought of success kinda frightens me, I'm afraid of what I will become, will I still be, the person I am now or will I become someone that I don't want to be. Will people befriend me cuz they need a friend, or will it be more users in the end. One thing I know is I must accomplish one big goal, before this life kills me and I'm dead. When I die will I have been someone to anyone, who really cares about me for me. Or will I die never knowing true love at all, these are questions haunting me

Judgement card suggests that my alter ego is The Compassionate One, whose superpower lies in revelation of my life and worldly events. I will reflect a sense of gratitude for my life and those involved by showing humility, forgiveness and charity. By doing so, I feel a strong redemption for past events -- a great liberating feeling. I have punished myself enough and am free at last. Clearing the conscience through forgiving yourself and others can bring an overwhelming sense of peace and joy.

I see your face in each sleepless night and awake with tears in my eye I see you in the morning light and can not help but cry. You were the friend who knew me best, and I adored you above all the rest. Yet God he took away your love, so now you look on from above. I know that you are watching me and seeing each tear I shed. I wish that I could be set free and it would have been me instead. I toss and turn every night to awake with eyes moist and red. I only wish you could take away the fright that has me longing for death instead. Still I know that life will go on even without you here, so I will say goodbye, for you are gone live a life of sorrow but live on. Copyright ©2007 Nicole Marie Betts

A heart should not be made to hide from all its many pains or kept well under lock and key to come out only when it rains. A heart should not be hardened or hid behind a wall for hearts of gold to wither would be the death of all. I once gave all I could give to those who came my way now I'm faced with all this anger that makes this heart of stone today....

If I gave you everything that I have left to give would you still be mine tomorrow if there was only me would you still whisper sweet nothings in my ear hold me so tight and would you still call me dear. What if I had nothing but my heart and soul would you still laugh with me or would you let me go would you want me for me if I had nothing to loose oh baby I sure would like to know. What if I gave you everything what if I had nothing to give would you still love me the same would you even know my name could it be that everything and nothing could it be that you might be the one what if you really did love me what if this time I refused to run... Sometimes life can get you down and its easier to walk away than to have to face this pain each and everyday now I'm trapped inside the what ifs in my mind wondering if your the one who'll love me for all time (C) What if I dont jump at this chance of maybe getting hurt will you move on with your life and give up on me sometimes I wish that I could learn to trust once again I'm just too scared of getting hurt, if I jump in (C)