1. Sexual perversion
Early on in my Internet experience I saw a video of a woman having sex with a llama, I watched it for novelty value, and I have to say it drastically diminished the shock-value of everything I’ve seen since. If you have seen llama-human sex you pretty much just assume that any combination is possible and lose interest in the idea of exotic sex-partners. I came upon some emetophile porn once and as odd as it seemed, it just didn’t seem quite as striking as a chick with a llama.
2. Cuteness After the 14th or 15th interesting thing in a day you just start clicking to see the pages move and to avoid doing anything productive rather than to actually discover.
No longer will looking at pictures of kittens suffice, you have to write shit on them, a sure sign of having wallowed in excess. It gets to where to you just look at the pics to try guessing how many stomps of a hiking boot it would take to kill one. One. Two, maybe three.
3. The stupidity of other people
Think about how stupid you would have to be to fall for the Nigerian cons in your junk-mail, look at the shit that getsMonsters HD Store - The Chopping Maul! traffic on say, Youtube, randomly read a few Myspace profiles. Perusing some of the more popular spots on the Internet gets you feeling isolated, adrift in an ocean of way-below-average minds. You get used to thinking that you are really smart, and that most people are really fucking stupid and that you should seriously start thinking about that wilderness compound in Idaho.
4. Ingenuity
Everyday I find some clever shit that somebody did that serves only as a minor diversion. Digg, Reddit, Stumbleupon daily serve up less-than-useful but still mildly entertaining or informative ways to kill 5 minutes. After the 14th or 15th interesting thing in a day you just start clicking to see the pages move and to avoid doing anything productive rather than to actually discover.
5. Practical joking
Is it some contrived viral thing, or is it real? How exactly would I apply that in real life? Is anybody I know that gullible? Do I really want to put that much effort into something somebody else came up with? Wouldn’t my time be better spent on something else? All very boring questions. Ask them of yourself enough and pretty soon you just stop clicking on links to pages of prank ideas.
But not jaded to…
1. Pictures of naked women
Even if they are from an age-group or race that you have no particular interest in, or if you spent the last 48 hours watching porn, you click and scroll just to see. Male curiosity about female body parts is infinite.
2. New ways of finding shit
Whatever you are into online you are probably an expert at finding shit about it. Even the morons on Myspace can point you to a million places to find animated gifs and pictures of Tinkerbell. It’s geared to making you a bookmark packrat, who can find hacks for cell-phones, or new Wordpress themes with 2 clicks of a mouse. There is always that virgin delight the first time you find new way to do some task you didn’t know anybody else cared about.
3. Anger at stupid people
You lose the shock at their stupidity, at finding out how stupid they are, but you never stop feeling angry that they have a right to exist or that they have found their way to your favorite messageboard. You feel a mix of futility, frustration, bloodlust, and despair at every idiot idea they publish.
You will become…
1. A better lover
At least you know where the clitoris is and how to lick it properly. You will know what an orgasm looks like perhaps by prolonged exposure to what it doesn’t look like.
2. Proficient at basic html
A least how to insert a link, make bold, italicize. It’s something. Knowledge is power, right?
3. Thickskinned
The first time you get called a moron for something you thought about carefully and honestly believe it kind of stings, but by the 3rd or 4th hundredth time you kind of like it. You like getting called moron by some people because it signifies how not one of them you are and that they aren’t very creative with their insults.
4. A faster typist
The Internet is low and tedious if you can’t move your fingers quickly enough to get shit out of your head. If you have to hunt and peck to get your search terms in, you probably don’t know your way around well enough to make sense of the results anyway.
5. Capable of imagining pretty much any woman you know in real life naked
You see enough body parts and it’s all pretty much a game of replacing faces in your head. Pretty soon you get to where you don’t even need to actually see a girl naked, you just mentally Photoshop the faces of your coworkers onto the bodies of similarly shaped pornstars.
6. Fearful of winding up as a Fark headline
Anything where your penis gets cut off or you get arrested while smoking meth in bed with your stepdaughter.
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