backuponthesea's blog: "onceuponthesea"

regrarless of how evolved we think we are.,there are still times when the dead lurches of the dreaded ego come back to life, bringing with them their stock in trade;

fear, insecurity, judgement etc. and for me, recently, rage.

Now rage is one of those primal feelings that is going to do some damage to something.It plays out in various ways. Turned within it can become depression, self hate, guilt etc. in addictions tx we used to tell people that it would come out the side of their necks.

The event is just the trigger. This time for me it was about some money that I found out I wasn't going to get. But that ignites  the whole caldera of anger and resentments that burn wildly, like white hot melting rivers just beneath the crusts of our skin.

My bathroom door was made of balsa wood and cardboard. My first instinct was to punch a hole in it.,but I quickly rejected that option; I write for a living, and I'd feel prettty dumb if i fucked up my hands and couldn't work. So I grabbed my cane, and when the handle hit, it went through the door easy. But I need my cane, and if I broke it i'd just have to buy another one.

(I never realized all the choices we have when we're enraged)

So I chose the perfect tool for the job. Awhile back I had this conversation with my neighbor/friend about  at the door self defense weapons. My choice has always been a Louisville Slugger. So anyways he's out there one day chopping wood and the ax flies off the handle. He's also a metal worker, has a shop in the garage.

He constructs this thing, with steel bars that fit into the axehandle, taped tightly at the end. And gives it to me as a gift. So it just sits there next to my bat until this rage, when I pick it up and destroy my door with it, until the metal things finally fly off.

by this time the door looks like the roadrunnner ran through it. I give it a couple of side kicks just for the hell of it, and then I'm done. The rage is gone. I can look at it through my bathroom door.

Now when I look at it I either laugh or smile. That rage turned within would have fucked up too much of the spiritual/emotional progress I've been making. I don't know how I would have reacted if there was some innocent bystander with an attitude near by.

I look at that damage and think, "better out there than in me or on somebody else."

My friend even has an extra door, but i still kind of like this one.