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Ragdoll's blog: "good stuff"

created on 06/26/2008  |  http://fubar.com/good-stuff/b226467  |  12 followers

  Random Memories

 You asked me..... " where did you and I go wrong"

I was taken aback by the abrupt questioning. I sarcastically thought to myself.." Why ask that question now?" But I didnt say it. Knowing if I had it would surely show I still had some feelings. I cannot be weak, I cannot let myself become flooded with the hurt and the pain. I was perfectly happy in my emotional distance. It was the protective barrier I needed to get over you. I wanted no display of what surely would be interpreted as a chink in the armour. Some lil crack that you would try hard to worm your way into. No. Not again. Not ever. I did not want to give you the slightest satisfaction of knowing that you once meant something deep to me. That I poured out my heart and soul to you. That my dreams surrounded the very thoughts of you.

 Why hash out the past? Lets just leave it lie.........But I had to answer.

" It was the little things......and it was the lack of the little things"

I didnt want to say anymore. But the thoughts were rolling in my head as fast as I could comprehend them.

 No.... I did not have closure. It had been many many years but I still felt them as tho it had happened yesterday. Yes we all go thru alot of self doubt, blaming crying and hurting. I took that upon myself and had run that scene thru my head a million times. I had too. I was going to learn something. Maybe it would make me better, maybe in someways it would make me worse. Probably both.

 "The lack of little things...huh? "..he asked

 Yeah..it was.

"Meaning?"

"Do you really want to know..or do you just want to fight about something? ....It doesnt matter now right?"

"I want to hear it"

"I dont want to attack you..all I can give you, is what I think from my perspective, what I felt. By having to do this now, for me just underscores so much my points about the lil things...You didnt know me. You didnt understand me or my passions.

 I felt like I was an outsider the whole time I knew you.I couldnt break thru this barrier around your heart and feel like I was there. I so much desired for you to wake with me...caress my hair and my face and just tell me "Good Morning Baby, I love You." To see a smile shared in the morning, for me set the tones for the whole day. To me your loving face with me was the beginning of foreplay. It started there. Nothing....Nothing....Just an empty bed. Empty everything. We just passed the time and the years away without being any closer.

 I sought solace in so many things.This was to keep from leaving much sooner. I could not approach you or your heart. I freely gave you mine..and it wasnt good enough. Til I could not offer you the gift of self anymore on the relationship platter...just to be walked away from time and time again for something else.

 I wasnt perfect...but i gave you what I felt and believed to be the best of what I was. I asked for love and you gave me a rock.....That was the little things..that added up to so much.

 "Well how do ya fix that?"

Too much damage....too much, we dont ,we cant, but May I give you some advice for what it is worth? If I could help using a simple analogy.

"sure"

"If your child..whom you love and adored, a child you were in charge of to comfort , protect, interact with, came to you hurt or in want and need...do you deny them?"

" no"

Your significant other or spouse isnt any different. You both are together to share love and protect comfort and live life together.

 Love is a reward and a responsibility. to yourself and to each other...you tend to the needs and wants of the other. You are each other's sanctuary in life. If there is no saftey and comfort there...where do you have it? If you are ever able to have love again in your life...Please open up. Allow her into the very heart and soul....of you. Dont neglect her.

 Make her important and remember if she feels like and knows in her heart and soul she is your everything...there isnt anything in this world she wouldnt do for you.

"I have never had a relationship like that"

I had once...and I let it go...I didnt know it or understand it, but I learned something from it. I wish you well...Im sorry! I really cant talk about this anymore with you...... You had better go....

 I watched him get into his vehicle and drive away. I was a lil less angry, but not anymore relieved. I honestly hoped that the "What couldve and what shouldve beens" will be a part of the "what will be's" in his future.

 The Little things..........mean everything. Back to the here and now....For now!

~Keep Living, Laughing and Loving~

 

 ~Ragdoll~

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