I've never been more confused or lost in my life. Sunday night I found out that my boyfriend tried to kill himself. I thought that tore me apart enough, but no. I found out yesterday around lunch that one of my best girlfriends tried to kill herself. There went the two people who've helped keep me up here lately. And then I found out last night that another close friend of mine is going to Iraq in the next few months. I don't know what to do with myself right now. All I've done since Sunday night is cry or think about terrible things. I honestly thought that I'd be in my girl's shoes right now. After Sunday night I almost was...but she helped me through it. I can't see straight. I can't breathe right. I can't function. I almost lost 2 of my loves and then a 3rd love of mine will be leaving me for god knows how long. Is someone just trying to torture me? I feel like I'm stuck in some sick sad dream. And I keep pinching myself trying to wake up, but it's not working. I'm driving myself insane over this. The person I'd reach out to in a time like this isn't reachable. I can't help but continue to fall...What does one do when everyone they care for is leaving them? No one can truely understand how I'm feeling right now. I'm all alone. And no matter how hard I try to open up and let someone in to see what's really going on inside, I can't help but close the door. I just want to go back in time. I want to keep Jesse from what he did. I want to get to Miranda in time to stop her. And I want to let Richard know just how much I care about him. That last one I can handle right now, but the other two are out of my power. But with Jesse, I can't help but feel like I really could have done something differently. The Tuesday before he did it he had called me...but I wasn't home. I was too busy rippin' and ridin' the roads. Maybe if I had been home and he would have been able to talk to me and tell me what was going on...maybe things would be different. And maybe...if I hadn't of been so caught up in this stuff with Jesse that I would have really listened to what Miranda was saying and could have helped her the way she helped me. I don't know what I'd do without either one of them. I just can't seem to get it through my head that this is real. I almost lost 2 of the most important people in my life. I don't think it's possible for my heart to hurt more than it does right now. Everyone is so worried that I'm gonna be the next one. They know how I deal with things...and they know what I'm capable of doing. It's so hard not to. I'm in a position that I'd put all of my loved ones in if I did it though. I'm the one feeling the pain. I'm the one who's sitting here wondering what I could have done to change things. I'm the one who's still standing...and not having to be in some place getting help. I'm able to see how everyone would feel if I did it. And that really makes me stop and think. I'm so lost.
