i've been pondering myself a lot lately - the usual stuff... who am i, what is my purpose, where am i going in life.. i'm sure everybody does it, but being a virgo girl with a virgo moon rising i know i do it a lot more than the norm.
i don't find it suprising at all that i am in this state of self discovery - it's pretty much to be expected of me after the year i've had.
a big part of my pondering lingers on my age..
i am sometimes baffled when i mention my grandson Caleb in conversation with people and they stop and stare at me and finally ask how old i am.
i'm 44. what a freaking concept. i sure as hell don't feel 44. i'm told i don't *look* 44, and i know for certain i don't act 44. i feel more like maybe early to mid 30's most of the time - and then other times i feel ageless.
last night at dinner tim took a picture of me with his cell phone and when i looked at it i couldn't help but realize i had pretty collar bones. not the hints of them that started to show but an actual shapelyness to my neck and throat that i found endearing and delightful. damn. is it possible to be in love with yourself?
one of these days i'm going to finish figguring myself out and then i pity the person(s) who stands in my way towards life because they won't know what hit them.
people look at me and my erratic schedule, the way i follow impulses, the way i embrace change, the way i have decided to enjoy my life and i know they wonder if i'm on a course set towards crash and burn. i'm not. i'm on a course set towards self discovery.
i like this me. i like being impulsive - i like knowing that men don't know how to take me, that women look at me as someone they're not sure if they love or hate. i know i'm a huge flirt... it's my nature. i flirt with everyone, age and sex know no bias - but just because i flirt with someone doesn't mean i sleep with them. i spent so long no being touched, so long not touching others. it's a crying shame, and crying shames are no longer allowed in this woman's life
for years i was the one everyone called on to help solve their problems.. the eternal mother. i ran myself ragged, i worked myself to death, i pondered and prayed and didn't know the meaning of the words "no, i'm too busy to help you"...
it nearly destroyed me. i forgot that there was this terribly interesting, horribly lonely soul burried deep inside me just begging to be allowed solace and love.
i still don't hesitate to be there for anyone i love in a time of need - hell, last night i was having a fine time playing rockband but i left because my friend's daughter needed a mommy. (he's a widower and she has a new baby and a cheating man and he has no idea how to mother a grown woman into a wise decision.)
but now i'm different. i choose my battles wisely. i refrain from giving my whole heart to anyone because it's scars are too fresh and i know it's too tender to take more abuse.
is there such a thing as an archeologist of the soul? damn.. that sounds almost like Serendipity is piquing away at my head again.
there's a handful of people that i allow access to my thoughts - interestingly enough besides tim and ali none of the rest of them know each other, and there's only one that i allow full access.
so what am i? who the hell am i? where is my life headed?
i'm susan. i'm a photographer & poet & artist and fairly much quirky person who adores herself about 85% of the time. the other 15% of the time i whine at Mr Enigma and he talks me down off the ledge with just a few words. (he does a good job of it too) i'm the mother of all things incarnate- i embrace being female and the power that it allows me to choose my own path. sometimes i'm bitter, sometimes i'm sweet, but always i am simply striving to perfect in me the potential that only i can truly see.
pondering done for this beautiful Savannah morning.
bright blessings. we all deserve those.
btw- the moon is full tonight. i'm going to drag tim, rayne and ali to the beach before trivia. i've nearly forgotten how to howl.
