Brodie's blog: "Serious stuff.."

Maybe it is just me, but there seems to be a trend going on.. Maybe I am just paranoid.. Or maybe just maybe it is time to cut some strings and let some things go. I am fully aware of being guilty on all accounts of not making regular contact with some people.

It is crazy to think that I still have relationships with people from my childhood, I am a quarter of a century in age yet can name friends from two decades ago that I still can say hi too. Yet at the same time the pain of ones that will not say hi back. Is it me? Did I do something wrong? Or is it just time to grow up? Here we are miles apart living different life styles, yet I can not help but feel like I wronged you. Was it because I left you behind? Was it abandonment? Did I fail you? Do I no longer have something to offer you?

I have been left and it sucks to think someone apart of your life will not be around to enjoy good times with you the way it used to be. However I could not be more proud of what they have become and achieved in life and I want to talk to them about it. I am guilty of leaving, not having time, or being to cheap to use day time mins LOL. Or just not knowing what to say.. It just hurts to be ignored with out acknowledging the reasons behind the action I guess.

Miles apart I can not see you, your new husband/wife, the children you have brought into the world, the house you bought. The things that make you smile.. I miss that in everyone. I always knew even when I was not good for somethings I knew my place.. I could make you smile when your down, Make you laugh when you had a bad day, Talk to you and open your mind when things that drag you down, give you advice on anything.

I guess I just feel I lost my place with you.. You have found new friends, new reasons to smile, you have found ways to fix your problems, I am not the one you turn to anymore.. thats fine, but I still care about you never the less. I guess I could only say this was brought on by the amount of people I have tried to catch up with only to not get a reply. You owe me nothing, but it still hurt to receive it.

I have told few people why I left home, and now feel okay to talk about it. Further more it might help some of you understand my reason for a split decision to leave with out looking back. As you know in '05 my brother died, and I was a raging alcoholic POS for months and months.. There I was 6-7 months deep into this trend I had no job yet I always had food in my mouth smokes in my pocket and booze paid for at the bar. I woke up one day and realized that the only reason I am able to do all this bullshit is because Mikey carried my lame ass for months. Why?? I love him like a brother and know he would die for me just the same.

I snapped out of it literally over night stopped drinking and got a job and straightened myself out. Anyone who knows me, The harder I fall the higher I bounce. Yet even with climbing back to the top having a car a G/F and a good job and great friends.. Something was still wedged up my ass.. People bugging me on a daily basis about my brother, I am all fine and dandy to talk about it but to the depth people went it was almost like they thought I was his replacement, his friends adopted me, people that could careless for me befriended me and I would constantly be hounded.. "What happened?" "Do you know what happened?" I said it everyday for almost a year.. I have no clue but when I know I will tell you. Have I answered it yet? NO. Here's your sign!

I was living in a shadow, though I have my own relationships with people I felt consumed by this new human curiosity from people who never truly gave a shit about me. It was time to walk away from everything I knew.. everything I have built and make it on my own. I was tired of falling and people having to pick me up.

Yes I know thats what friends do and I know I have done it for many but I needed to make it on my own.. So I left.. and for literally one year -1 day (Long story) I did it 100% on my own (Special thanks to Perez for one month to get my own place) bills apartment whatever everything, making new friends and living alone! I had no one to rely on but myself and it was the hardest loneliest time of my entire life, but I am so glad I did it. I do not regret it because it was also the most beautiful time of my life.. I did not have to call for help, I did not land on your couch because the man's got me down.

So yes I have fallen hard since then.. like really really hard.. but you know what I will bounce back again soon. Things are looking up in most areas. So just know I miss you... Just know if I do not write back.. I needed to think of something else to say then the generic script I have been using to make things short. If I do not return your call, I am working or do cant afford the mins sorry! You owe me nothing but for what it is worth to anyone that needs it... I am sorry if I hurt you. I miss and love you guys.