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Faded...Jaded...

Through the years of study and the patience i have exerted through the timeless errors of my ways, i have to come to realize certain things. One of them being, you can not take people for who they say they are. Some people put on this face like... "I'm going to help you...im your friend" ...and the first second they get, they stab you in the back.

I would like to believe that i am a good friend. I talk to you when you need to vent, i hug you when youre crying or upset, i keep secrets if i am asked to... etc.....becoming a part of someone's life is easy for me to do...because i have such a huge heart. I wear my feelings on my sleeve...i desire only good things to come for those who have impacted my life. And i see now... thats a flaw....

But, i am so sick and tired of being treated like a complete fool...when all i have done is put my heart on the line and dedicate every waking moment (when im not at work) to something bigger then the pathetic lives of people. Whats so wrong with wanting to change things? Whats so wrong with desiring MORE? BETTER?

Im sorry if this offends you...in any way at all...but now i see who are my true friends and the real people in my life who want the same as I...But, Im used to seeing the backs of the men in my life...I'm used to seeing them flake out and back away from greatness at the FIRST chance of opportunity...i am NOT your marionette that you can dangle from your fingertips...i am NOT some toy you can toss aside whenever you feel like things arnt going your way...i am NOT a blemish on your world...

 

Im done with disappointment!! Im through with being made to feel incompetent. You want things done "right"....do them yourself.

 

I have done nothing but put my heart behind certain things...and still, im treated like im useless...

 

 

 

So.

Here i stand...once again. No more open hearted, heart on sleeve, fun, loving Jayme...now, Im straight up Chaos...and i will do things MY way.

 

 

Until we meet again.

 

 

Two Months In The Cover Creases Yesterday was the day i touched the bottom of my well...I fell so hard yesterday. I cried for an hour, and i had the migraine to prove it. I cant bear the way this is making me feel. So out of control. I hate being out of control. I hate not knowing what im doing in a month, in a week, the very next day...15 minutes from now. I need him home so bad, but yet, theres still something....and im suffering so terribly because of it. Being this way terrifies me. I think so irrationally when im hysterical, the way i was. Screaming, crying, dying. Im still rotting inside...but now im almost completely empty...completely lost...completely alone... Yesterday felt like i was drowning. Like i had been thrown into a deep pool, and i didnt know how to swim, and all i was doing was breathing in more and more water. Suffocating. thats what it feel like...im suffocating. The empty shape inside of me, steals my breath, im suffocating. I didnt realize how alone i was, until yesterday...when everything came spilling out. Everything came spilling out, putting more weight on my shoulders...weighing me down...making me drown just a little bit more...like a rope tied around my ankle, with a cement block bringing me to my watery grave.

Just A Garden

Once upon a time, many many years ago, alittle girl had a beautiful garden. Everyday, she would walk into her garden, humming a little, and kneel before all her beautiful roses and plants. Everyday, she would pick one flower. She swore she would pick one flower as long as her heart would beat. And everyday, without fail, she went into her garden, humming her little tune, and picked one beautiful rose.

One day, she lost her love. It was a true love. As true and as pure as love came. That love was more beautiful then any flower in her garden, and more lovely then the sunset of 1,000 suns. When she realized what had happen, and she understood what she had did, she ran into her garden and fell into its dirt and cried.

She cried for many nights and many days. The sun never shone on her garden, but yet, it rained for weeks. Her heart stopped beating within those weeks, and she would just lay in on the muddy ground of her garden, her dress full of filth, and she would cry. Her tears sunk into the ground, and the roses absorbed all of her pain. Everything died and withered.

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Years went on. The little girl still broken from her lost and shattered love. Not once did she move, or take in a breath, or stop crying. She just lay on the ground, letting her shriveled plants take in her sorrow.

One late afternoon, on another long overcast rained filled day, a silent figure swept through her dead and decaying garden. A tall man, with eyes blazing a brilliant color. He knelt down beside the girl, and took her into his arms. Rocking her gently, he told her to be quiet, and he brushed away her tears with gentle movements of his beautiful hands. He looked into her eyes. A whisper escaped his lips.
"I love you." he said. " And i will always love you. You are mine and i am yours."

He pressed his lips to hers. She clutched at her chest, as she felt her heart begin to beat again. Slowly and tired at first...then faster and harder. The sound echoing throughout the walls of her garden. Her lips parted and a faint smile crossed her face. She spoke, for the first time in years.

"I will never again doubt my love for you. And i will never again lose it, as long as my heart freely beats."

As they sat on the garden floor, the sun peeked its face through the dark clouds. Brilliant golden sunlight swept over the garden. Dead roses dropped into the earth and new blossoms appeared. Butterflies danced through the red, white, yellow and ivory flowers. Birds sang and flew through the air.

The little girl and her Love stood up, their hands clasped together. They melted into each other, and turned and with hands enclosed around each others, they walked, silently out of the garden.

Together again at last, her beautiful garden continues to flourish today.


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The 50 Things I HATE

1-I hate the smell skunks make when you run them over. 2-I hate procrastination. 3-I hate bad spelling and bad grammar. 4-I hate chapped lips. 5-I hate generic chapstick. 6-I hate dirty hair. 7-I hate when fat people wear tight clothes. 8-I hate girls that are all "OOOOH MY GAWD" 9-I hate it when people move their legs. 10- I hate tapping. 11-I hate being cold. 12-I hate chipped nail polish. 13- I hate when you are on the tele, and all you hear is the person breathing. 14-I hate TV, it rots your brain. 15-I hate when people think they know what they are talking about, when they dont. 16-I hate boys who treat girls like they own them. 17-I hate when things are quiet. 18- I hate when I lay in bed, and i cant sleep. 19-I hate second hand smoke. 20- I hate the way liquor smells. 21- I hate drunk people, they are obnoxious. 22- I hate when people quote things, but quote it wrong. 23-I hate being hit on. 24-I hate it when girls stare down my man. 25-I hate people who are obsessed with dumb things. 26- I hate rap music. 27- I hate white people who act black. 28-I hate being cooped up in a house when it snows. 29-I hate when snow isnt white anymore. 30-I hate spiders. 31- I hate when people kill bugs, including spiders. 32- I hate people that eat fast food whenever they want. 33- I hate fast food. 34- I hate when you burn your tongue on something hot. 35-I hate people that do not floss. 36-I hate when my contacts get dry. 37-I hate people that cry for no reason. 38-I hate how people clam up when asked a question about their future. 39-I hate people with a million friends on Myspace, but they dont know more then half of them. 40-I hate people that make that slurping sound when they eat an icepop. 41- I hate people. 42-I hate when my feet are cold. 43-I hate cold/warm showers. 44- I hate people that cant cook. 45-I hate exes. Not mine, Always his.... 46-I hate people that use alcohol as an escape from their life. 47- I hate men who have children, but dont have a part in their lives. 48- I hate men who have to pay child support, but dont. 49-I hate the incorrect use of punctuation. 50-I hate people who have a limited vocabulary.

Suffacation Is Disguise

I sit at my piano, the black piano I have played so many times before, and press a few of the chipped ivory keys. Its out of tune, and the sound is strangely haunting. The late October breeze filters through the open doors, filling the attic with the smell of leaves and clove cigerettes, and blowing the white chiffon curtains about. Making them flutter and look like ghosts. I'm sitting at the piano bench, with my fingers resting on the decrepit keys, resting ever so lightly. I remember when you would stand here with me, stand behind me and let me play my song for you. "Aurora." you'd say. "Play it for me again." And my fingers would dance over the keys and play that song for you. Once upon a time, this piano used to sound beautiful. Now its eerie and depressing, as if the life was drained from it, and from me, the day you left. Your smell still hovers through the air. I can smell you, everywhere. My eyes close and I can feel your breath on my neck, and it sends shivers coursing through my body. But I am alone now. And I'm sitting here, my dress once shimmering white, now slightly grey from all the dust that's blowing around this attic. The door letting leaves blow in, and pile in the corners of the dark attic. The moon giving me just enough light to see the piano keys, and the notes that I need to press to hear that song. Slowly, I begin. The music echoing and haunting this lonely room. I know every note, and I close my eyes, letting the sad melody overtake me. This is for you, for me, for us. The us that is no more. This sadness that rips me apart is for you. I cry. My tears sliding down my face, and wash away dust that's caked itself on my white marble hands. Barely even breathing, I continue playing. I continue playing this melancholy song. I feel so afraid right now, and the darkness swallows me whole. Devouring me. Taking in my body and engorging itself on my life. Taking in my pain and sorrow as if it was theirs. I open my eyes one last time, before sliding into an abyss. Everything around me is so familiar, but so empty and cold. "Take me!" I scream through my sobbing. "Take me from this torture!" Clouds sweep over the moon and I fall. Fall into an eternal abyss . I'm sinking into water. Cold, black deep water and I can not breathe. I'm clawing at it, to try to swim upwards, but something has a hold of my leg. Its pulling me down. I turn around, and its you. You are looking me in the eyes. I relax. And I take a breath, and all I see is haze. "Goodnight Aurora." I hear whispers in my head as the water consumes what is left of me.
I am nothing more then a mimic. A mockery of everyone else and more. With a broken heart, weak wrists and a twisted back. Slightly mishapen and deformed. I am nothing more then a disgrace. A shame of everyone else and more. With blind eyes, no voice and ivory hands. Being alone is the only thing I'm good for.

Echo No More

Silence. Its deafening. The sky is murky and grey. Clouds ease their way into the path of the sun. Im standing on the shore, alone. My feet encrusted in golden sand. The water is almost black, and it washes onto the sand, raking over the broken shells, the dead crabs and one single white feather. This used to be a place where i made a sanctuary and found release. My escape. Now its haunting. As if the waves not only washed over shells, but ghosts as well. Eerie. Everything on the ground is tide washed and rippled in sodden sand along the beach. Beyond me the wavelets are breaking on the sand along the beach. Behind me, my wandering trail is blurred and indistinct, as the water's edge advances and recedes along the beach. My skirt catches itself on the breeze and flutters and bounces around my knees like a seagull catching its first draft and hovering through the air. The waves are whispering and so tenderly the light dances in frenzied lines. Looking like serpents waltzing under the water. Today the sky parades phoenixes in the clouds. But the silence is deafening.
Delicately balanced between 2 wires....dancing 300 feet in the air.....performing for you...dancing, balancing...well practiced.....One false move and i'll plumit to the ground.....eternity.....i need to walk straight.....not to lean....but i know you'll be there to brace my fall....to catch me......to hold me.....if i shall fall....if i shall become my own demise.....my love.....im distracted by the glare of your eyes.....Those eyes......i slip.....one false move was your eyes.....falling falling falling.......CRASH..... ....Into your arms....
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