Addict name Carlton with 53 days Clean & Sober
I like 2 Thank the God of my overstandin 2 allow me another opportunity 2 do his will not mine. This Is the process I have 2 achieve and I strive everyday, down 2 the ticks in between the tocks 2 do on a light 2 darkness basis (those of u that are lost morning 2 night).
Anyhow, when I looked at what I have achieved I definitely have 2 say thank you 2 God. Cuz u see I was a ruthless character, who auditioned lames 4 my big apple rawkus. Most times when I was torturing those claimin they street certified and official were nothing but run of the mill paper weight clowns, I really and truly felt they deserved what the hell they asked 4, me! A nigga with a cunning and demonic disease that was like semore, on little shop of horrors, hollerin out feed me. So in return what ever u had, might as well shared, cuz I had it now. I was like really resembling the shit I didn’t like Stupidity, cuz I knew betta.
O, how the days have a way of showing the changing of the season also come with timetable plan.1 u have no idea when your time is up. I am talking about myself. After I wasn’t done stealin my people’s soul with my substitution 4 happy, I decided it must had 2 b something good about drugs, cuz damn, if I didn’t go from being the person in demand 2 demanding it myself. My disease told me what to do with my money, time, children, family, appearance, and anything I took pride in. I was more then a menace 2 society. I was and became more then my own enemy. Sometimes I wanted 2 escape my own body, so when I found out I had cancer, I took the necessary treatments, but all the while I felt destroyed. I had never experienced anything close 2 cancer, so I thought. But today I have 2 admit I did have something that was just as deadly and it was a drug habit aka: disease of addiction. Anyhow, I just gave up my will and sorted happiness in my addiction cunningness, all the while I wanted 2 die and use drugs until that time. So used more and more or I let those sellin the drugs use me, like it was soap in the morning 2 wash their ass. Like it was sun light beamin thru their window, like it was a tasty steak I drooled for. Of course they didn’t share shit with me, until I paid 4 it, damn near with my life. Yea, I drooled 4 the crack cocaine, the different tastes the ingredients of the exotic and concocted weeds, my mind told me was right 2 get. I was smothering myself 2 forget something I don’t remember how or where I caught it from. I thought when I brought the ticket 2 experience cocaine I was on an amusement park ride. That ride was replaced when CRACK opened its playground and every attraction seem like I was on a fantastic voyage. The only problem, I had no parachute or indication when I would need one. I wish this disease came with a warning label or some instructions I could read. Because, people talking about it with their just say no campaign, sounded foreign 2 me. Imagine growin up in a PJ’s household, where everyone denied they were addicts or had problems. Every did something, whether it was coke, dope, pill, alcohol, or weed they each thought the others addiction was worst then the other. Then they had the nerve 2 try and tell me what not 2 do. The seed was planted, my sight was my on the job training.
I am about 2 get to the juicy Fruit part of this disease, u ready, if not u got the same cushion I had, none. While goin thru the non tropic feelin of Chemo, which in actuality was another way 2 kill 2 birds with one I-V, me and the cancer. Shit, but I had a secret desire, not 2 cure me of the cancer. I asked 4 my life 2 cease, but I was selfish as shit, I wanted 2 do it by usin as much drugs as possible. I had STOPPED the chemo. No one knew why. I know today that the disease of addiction ordered me 2 do it. I was use 2 tryin 2 kill myself by way of addiction. Most times trying 2 get high was the addiction, cuz I wasn’t getting nowhere near high as a midget’s ass. I was practicing so much when I got some good shit, I didn’t know how 2 act. B/4 longs I would b back on the prowl.
At the same time I was rude 2 the Higher Power, I was makin him jealous also, because I was listenin 2 my disease, not relying on faith in him, and i was prayin backwards. I would wish/pray 2 die while usin or from using. Well someone died. u guessed it, it wasn’t me. It just happened 2 b my baby sister, in the bronx new york. She was my best friend, who I really got 2 know, but she never got 2 meet the real me. How could she I was busy in other states trying 2 get higher then gas prices. I know the High Power punished all our family members in one way or another. I got the worst of the pain killer affects, cuz I was trying 2 do my will not his and take my own life. Takin drugs wasn’t bad enuff, but I was willin 2 take my own life with it like it was my life 2 take. 1st of all if God give u life, it is not yours 2 take. That is why they have laws on the books about suicide.
The disease of addiction prescribed something called insane thinking and my thoughts circled around fear, stupidity, self-centeredness and denial along with the drug. Let me break the ingredients a part 4 betta understanding. Fear- run from the results of ur wishes, use more much more! Stupidity- play the role of hurt instead of really showing guilt! Self-Centeredness – Don’t except u have 2 b bury not u but ur baby sister/best friend! Denial – do nothing in ur power 2 not believe, if u don’t go 2 the funeral, everything will b well. That is right I didn’t go a mutha fuckin place. U would have thought she was a stranger on the street and I didn’t have 2 go and pay my respects. And it wasn’t 4 that reason I didn’t go, I didn’t want 2 leave the MUTHA FUCKIN CRACK alone. It had nothing 2 do with the pussy that was feedin me with the substance more then a word of encouragement 2 put that pipe down and go pay your respects.
Mind now I had isolated myself so bad with my family here in the same city, I couldn’t picture myself sittin a car 4 hours 2 go and bury someone I love. I probably would've had 2 walk either 2 NY or back 2 Baltimore. I was an active addict dealin with the ones who made it seem ok, 2 uses, and my family. They were and still in denial. They do everything in their power 2 shy away from understandin shit.
It took a little bit of time 2 find out what and who was the problem, Crack and Me, cut and dry. I did a mental moral inventory of me. I want 2 know y I wrong about shit I feel is right at the time. I understand punishment more now then back then. I also know it is more so a much behind most shit that happens.
I am glad I have the opportunity 2 b the messenger. I am no longer seduced by active ingredients that make up addicts, who haven’t yet surrender. Instead 2 day I have surrendered, not because of no courts, I can attest 2 people, places and things, bein my reason. Once I changed my playmates, the playground, and the toys, I then had 2 stop playin 2 with the High power and his will.
I have the serenity 2 accept the unchangeable not the unmanageable, courage 2 change things I can, and I am very careful of how I define the wisdom between the 2.
