I've joked about having an abundance of flaws that should be clumped into some sort of warning label before anyone decides to invest any amount of time in me. Some have already run into one or many of them as everyone does after enough time. So for the rest here's the breakdown:
I have a really hard time reaching out to people. In any way. Sometimes I don't even know how to hug my own friends when they're falling apart in front of me. My response is always to make a joke of it or just sit there feeling anxious about not knowing how to react. I'm not a toucher, or hugger, and I rarely give out compliments. This is often misread as me not caring which obviously hurts my relationships with friends and partners. I remember my last major boyfriend.. crying, crumbling in front of me.. begging me to hug him. And I just looked at him, conflicted. Something kept me from getting up and doing anything. I was frozen. It's awful. My psychoanalysis of this is an obvious one - my childhood. Surprise! No but really. I grew up in a family where I never saw my parents laugh, hug, kiss, smile... -anything- together. Combine that with my unsuccessful relationships thus far and you might say I'm a little closed off. That's a lie. The major damage was done by my ex fiance. The subsequent little faults of the next few just compounded on an already broken ability to connect. So far.. alcohol is my only fix. Bad news, yeah. Although fresh ocean air, green hills, and a little violin can work wonders, too.
Social interactions are exhausting. Absolutely exhausting. I hole up in my own world after a night out to recharge. The problem is, if I get enough time alone I'll stay there. I drop off the face of the earth often. It's unhealthy. If I am lucky enough to have friends around that drag me out I'll go out night after night, enjoying myself. But after a week or two of this I crash even harder, with the added feeling of guilt from not getting my alone time to work on my personal matters. Finding a balance is one of the hardest things for me at this point. It's either keep busy always, never slowing down, and feeling like I'm not getting what I want done, or doing nothing and watching days go by, unused.
I'm so very conflicted - I love indulging in hours of listening to mellow, sinewy, deep music with a bottle of wine and a pen. My heart rate drops, my eyelids follow, I melt into the floor, and my chest heaves with the crawling beats. This is the side of me that gets lost in thought and what if's, the part of me that wants to be destroyed and devastated, that wanders through a tragic fairy tale romance. It's the side of me that loves BDSM and unhealthy relationships. The part of me that loves getting lost on salvia trips and the like. The part that pulls away from sunshine and normal social interactions. But dear god does the crushing feeling feel good. I feel like I'm most myself when I'm like this, but it generally ends in a spiral to depression. There's a craving and searching for things beyond this world. I drown myself with water to fill the emptiness until I'm about to purge it all back again. It's all I can do to distract myself sometimes. And then there's the other side. When I'm not stuck in that other world, I'm a funny person. I like exploring new places with friends, playing games, acting like a housewife, sports, blah blah blah. You know, the normal shit. Laughing life away and talking without regard to what others find to be acceptable conversation for public. I love to dance and sing. Help others. I am or want to be everything a "healthy" person is supposed to be. I forgot who this girl was for a long time. California kills this person in me. And so I didn't really find her again until I moved up to WA again. I think less and act more. But when I'm feeling this way there's always a sense of something lost. Like I'm not actually who I am if I'm ignoring that other part. Life feels more happy, but stereotypically so. Trite. Or something. Certain people can bring this out of me much more than others... Of course, then, I'm attracted to and surround myself with two different types of people. Volatile collisions with those that satiate the first part of me are inevitable, but the highs are... epic. And then the lighter, fun people that can stir the second out of me feels most healthy and keeps me smiling, but it's just.. less fulfilling somehow. Again, balance is the key. Always. But I'm not sure if I can find it in one, or expect to keep bouncing between the two types of people in my life. I'm not sure the two can exist in one person, at least not exactly when I need each certain personality to offset the other.
I suppose it's natural to go from all of that to explaining how I eventually push everyone in my life away. I treat people like puzzles.And I'm not one of those people that admires puzzles when they're done. You know, the kind that take the time to glue it together and put it on the wall. No... I revel in having completed it, but when I'm done I rip it apart, put it back in the box, and give it away. I'm trying to learn either to A) Love the big picture or B) Realize people are, in fact, -not- puzzles. Pieces are always missing, warped, or waiting to be found. But so far.. I figure someone out and then move on. Bah. It's frustrating for both parties. And ends up hurting a lot of people. The ones that I can never really figure out how to put together tend to be the ones I keep around longest.
Next: I think I'm better than other people sometimes. I didn't think this before, but really, this is the most logical explanation for hating people so often. But when I'm feeling healthy, I remember everyone has their battles. Just because mine are different or my priorities aren't the same doesn't mean my way is better. What is better, anyway? idk, intelligence has nothing to do with survival. Smart people don't live longer. Creativity isn't filtered in favor of through natural selection. All the things I value are personal choices and have no obvious correlation with a grand scheme or ultimate plan. I just.. have a hard time remembering that all the time.
Dear god, I'm a mess. But shut it, you are too.
When I love, I love hard. It's just not always obvious. And I expect people to love me as much as I do them. And show it. Which isn't fair, really, because I can't show it myself most of the time. You see why I've decided to be single for a while? Figuring shit out. None of this is unique. Read up on type 5's in the Enneagram, or INTP personalities, and you'll get the whole generic explanation. I'd like to believe it's different because these are my words, but it's not really. This is all for now.
I just... I exist between reality and fantasy, like a dimensional teeter totter, and it's maddening.