I wrote a blog about this same subject a couple of years ago. It's in here somewhere if anyone feels like searching it out...which I just did.
I'm amazed at how different my views on this subject have become in such a short time. I guess it's true that we are all in a perpetual state of growth and change. I learn more and more about myself...and the world around me...every single day.
Everyone wants something, whether they admit it or not.
Take me for example. I want peace. I want happiness. I want to see my kids grow up and succeed in life. I want to travel and see places that I've always dreamed of. I want to be alone...and not to be alone all at the same time. I want to not be worried and stressed out all the time. I want my own business. I want a big beautiful house with a stone fireplace that I can curl up in front of on chilly winter nights and a garden where I can grow my own herbs. I want to be held and understood and adored unconditionally. I want to sit on my front porch and watch the sun set behind the mountains. I want to feel the cool luxuriant rain on my upturned face as I dance in the heart of the storm. I want simple things, like gentle kisses in a candlelit room, soft music that lulls me to sleep, and warm strong arms that protect me from the world.
But, there's plenty of time for that. Eventually.
While I do believe in seizing the day, I do also realize that it's best not to rush into everything like a lemming rushes off a cliff. It's a lesson that I learned the hard way...and one that won't quickly be forgotten.
I try to find a middle ground between impetuousness and cautiousness. Sometimes, it's a difficult task, but give me points for effort.
I do want all of those things I listed...and probably a few more things that didn't come to mind, but what I don't want seems to be more relevant to me right now.
I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to hold back on what I'm feeling. I don't want to pretend to be something that I'm not. I don't want to lie or be lied to. I don't want to pass up on a good thing. I don't want to feel alone, even when I am.
It's been a long time since I've felt anything close to what I'm feeling right now. It's been a long time since I've allowed myself to want much of anything. Especially not as much as I want to hear his voice, hear his heartbeat, feel his hand in mine. It's difficult to want this, because right now it's something that just can't be there all the time. But that doesn't change the fact that I want it...and I don't think that I'm going to stop wanting it anytime soon.
So...I wait.
And he wonders how long I will be willing to wait. He wonders when I'll get sick of coming in third behind a job that monopolizes his time and two children that are there to take what's left over when his job is finished with him.
I can't answer his concerns about this with any degree of certainty. No one can. But I can say that, right now, there is nothing I'm more willing to do than to wait for the time he can give me. And, again, I don't see that changing anytime soon.
Maybe I'm a fool. Even if I am, I don't care. Some things are worth waiting for...and, in the meantime, I take what I can get. I'm pretty low maintenance.
Besides, sitting across from him at a table while a one-man-band played classic country songs on his guitar and people roasted marshmallows behind me, I got a good look in his eyes.
And I saw something there that I'm not sure I've ever seen before...something that I think I've been looking for in the eyes of everyone I've ever known...something that made me, against my usual nature and throwing caution to the wind, lean over that table and touch my lips to his.
I saw a reflection of myself. Not just the person that I am, but the person that I could be...the person that I've always wanted to be.
I saw hope. I saw beauty. I saw him.
And he's been in my head ever since.
Whatever the time constraints, whatever the distance, whatever rationality and logistics tell me...he's still in my head.
And, despite his concerns, I like it just fine that way.
