Vincent Price Blog by Fiend Grrl EVILDRAGONs Fiance DARK PRI...
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The Oracle went out to see his first Shakespearean play He purchased tickets for the special Wednesday matinee He had a friend, an actor, who was carrying a spear In this production of the Bard’s smash hit called Olde King Lear The Oracle went right backstage where most folks never go And saw his friend was happy that he’d come to see the show But oracles just should not say things like “Go and break a leg.” Because in the first act his friend did, and King Lear laid an egg!
The Professor thinks bananas are a thing that should be banned “These deadly things” he said to me, “Are getting out of hand. I’ve done a lot of research, which I didn’t do for fun And I’ve found that these bananas are more deadly than a gun.” I asked him, “Are they poisonous? What causes these strong feelings?” He said, “My son, the danger is from old discarded peelings.”
The Professor called the other day, excited as can be He had a new experiment he wanted to show me He said it dealt with physics and the laws of energy He then put on some boxing gloves and said, “I’m A, you’re B.” His theory was momentum causes action where it goes And he proved it rather quickly when his gloves smashed in my nose I must say he’s a brilliant man whose praises I will shout For rarely has a demonstration ever knocked me out.
The Oracle’s house is haunted by some most unruly ghosts With no respect for bedtime hours, especially of their hosts Just as he gets tucked in at night he hears a ghostly breath Which demands a glass of water or they’ll scare him half to death And sometimes when he’s fast asleep a foot will knock his head And he’ll wake up and see thirteen ghosts all jumping on his bed He asked them to desist and stop and many times enjoined them But with ghosts it’s quite impossible to beat them ’til you’ve joined them!
Librarians are stay-at-homes, they never travel round To foreign places near or far, or even go downtown I asked “Why don’t you take a trip?”; he said “Books make me wiser.” I looked at him and then I said, “It’s cheaper too, you miser!”
The Professor said that there is gold in water in the sea I checked this out and sure enough he’s right, to some degree You have to pump through gallons of salt water, sludge, and sand But pump enough and you’ll end up with gold dust in your hand “Why hasn’t someone pumped the sea already?” some have wondered Because to get an ounce worth forty bucks, you have to spend five hundred!
Grizelda went to hospital, but not ’cause she was sick She took a batch of baking up so they could take their pick The doctor stopped her at the door and said, “Stay out of here! Your cakes and pies and cookies have the wrong effect, I fear! We hoped they’d cheer our patients up, but since they ate I swear That 85 percent have gone into intensive care!”
The Zany Zoo went up in flames, the reason so they said Was that the kangaroo was smoking cigarettes in bed The monkeys all were screaming and lost all their social graces When a fireman accidentally sprayed some water in their faces The only ones who weren’t afraid were the cobras and adders Who had more fun than anyone, playing snakes and ladders.
The Oracle has a crystal ball that’s really getting quite old But he keeps it with a sentiment of all the things it’s told But sometimes while he’s gazing at it it will fade away No sound or picture — it just goes blank; and then he’s forced to say, “This crystal ball’s not worth the fuss, my patience’s wearing thin It looks like I will have to put another quarter in.”
The Professor built a centrifuge, those things you always see The astronauts all training in and riding in for free Two hundred spins per minute And as you guess it wasn’t hard to get quite dizzy in it When all his tests were finished it was left to gather dust But six months later he decided that this seemed unjust He turned it on its side and build some seats from scraps of steel Now people come from miles to ride the world’s fastest ferris wheel!
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