CantSleepClownsWillEatMe's blog: "Today"

I am so close to giving up, throwing in the towel. I dont know what is going on with me being in Germany and the work visa and staying here. Right now my boyfriend is unable to do the work visa at this moment. Right now my heart is breaking. I mean I know that he loves me or he wouldnt have forked out the money both times for the tickets to Germany. I made a comment why dont he just marry my ass and he said he is in fear of getting married because of being married twice before and what they turned into. I do understand that. But I also told him if I go back to the states, I dont know if I can do it again. This 5000 miles every 3 mths is hard. Not having a place to call home permanently right now is even harder. I gave up alot before I came to Germany the first time. Regardless that I was going to go through an eviction because I wasnt working, I gave up all my furniture, dishes and household belongings. I have about 10 boxes to my name and they are in my sisters basement. I love this man with all my heart and soul, I just wish there was something permanent. He told me tonight that he does want me here, so he can learn me more. I told him I am a what you see is what you get person. I am real. I am also very caring and that is something else I pointed out to him, in the beginning of our relationship I was a total bitch to him, I didnt want to like someone in a different country because it would never work. The more I pushed him away, the harder he came at me. Finally when I gave in, I couldnt believe that I was ever a bitch to him. He is the most romantic passionate man I have ever been with and let myself get this close to. The thing I hate about this right now is I feel like I have NO control. I am used to having control in my life!