Gravity always gets me down.
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
There is a very fine line between genius and insanity. I've just erased it. Now I can't remember which side I'm on.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Boys will be boys and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
You can lead a man to water but you can't make him put the seat back down.
Its funny that women aren't embarrassed when they buy men's pajamas, but a guy buying a nightgown acts as if he was making a drug deal.
Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss.
The reason God created man before woman was because he didn't want any suggestions.
What did God say after creating man?
"I can do better than this. (And boy did he!!!)
There are more important things in life than money, but none of them will go out with you if you're broke.
A woman's dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving the purpose without obstructing the view.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday, but never remembers her age.
You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.
Be sincere, even if you have to fake it.
I love mankind - its people I can't stand.
The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else.
Chastity is curable if detected early.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
I'd kill for a Nobel peace prize.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
I can see clearly now the brain is gone.
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
I've taken up meditation; it's better than sitting around doing nothing.
Eat, drink and be fat and drunk.
No matter how bad things get you have to go on living, even if it kills you.
Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
Age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
Nature never makes a mistake; when she makes a fool, she means it.
With age comes wisdom...like the wisdom to start lying about your age.
Scientists have found a cure for apathy, but so far no one has shown the slightest bit of interest in it.
Why are there so many more horse's rear ends than horses?
I wouldn't mind being the last man on earth.
Just to see if all those women were telling me the truth.
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad.
The good sleep better; but the bad seem to enjoy their waking hours much more.
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men - the other 999 follow women. (I don't see anything wrong with that; we get a much better view that way.)
Depend on a rabbit's foot for luck if you must, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit.
Madness takes its tool; please have exact change.
I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished.
If things get any worse I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
She'd love to drink like a lady,
One or two at the most.
But one and she is under the table.
And two she is under the host.
Death is life's way of telling you that you have been fired.
When things are blackest, I tell myself "Cheer up, things could be worse!" and sure enough, they get worse.
It is said that women are the weaker sex, but they have an inner core of strength.
They need it to put up with all the stupid things we men do.
Women perform miracles every day, including the greatest of miracles: the creation of new life.
If it had fallen upon men to perform such a great deed; the human race would have become extinct immediately.
"Know the strength of a man, but keep a woman's care."
-- Lao Tsu
"A wise man does not argue, and he that argues is not wise."
-- Lao Tsu
But there are times I feel more like arguing than being wise.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Happy is the man who can laugh at himself, for he will never cease to be amused.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat, though.
I don't have a license to kill but I do have a learner's permit.
He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
If you think there is good in everybody, then you obviously haven't met everybody.
Remember: First you pillage, THEN you burn.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Insanity doesn't run in my family, it gallops!
