If you haven't learned anything new today, then you're just not paying enough attention

If I am in the United States, and I am Calling an American Company, Why do I have to press 1 for English?

If You're Not Wasted, The Day Is!

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? Steven Wright

Every successful enterprise requires three men - a dreamer, a businessman, and a son of a bitch.

I understand your anger towards me,but What have you got against the horse I rode in on?

SouthernAngel, You Rock!!

How come whenever I sign on I see a lot of Gift Messages (drinks) that I received, But my Buzz meter never changes? Anyone willing to give up a shitface?

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Run For Your Life, There Are Stupid People Everywhere!!

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself.

In youth we learn; in age we understand

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.

A good friend will help you move, A true friend will help you hide a body

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.