My morning routine is super important. Like if I don't have enough caffeine to help me properly catastrophize the rest of the day, I just feel off, you know?

Ineed some sort of away message for texts that says something like: "Hi! I am exhausted from human interaction. I know I'm posting on social media, but I currently just don't have the energy to hold a conversation. I still love you and will get back to you in 3-5 business days'

Imagine the Olympics, but instead of it being world-class athletes, it's just random people who get selected. Like you get a letter informing you you've been selected for the national gymnastics team and you just have to do it. It'd be so much more entertaining

Happy father's day 💙

Sometimes, you just need a really good bagel and an irresponsible amount of cream cheese

I'm so jealous of cats, to be honest. Imagine being a huge bitch literally all the time and the person who takes care of you is like awwwwwww 🥴

Coworker of mine couldn't remember the name for ellipsis and called them DRAMA DOTS, and now 1 will too; forever, thanks

I think the real reason this generation is so angry is because their music sucks.

Listen, I do not care how awesome the drinks are and how chill the vibe is wherever you're going, l am ON THE COUCH WITH PETS AND SNACKS, you can not possibly outvibe me. I will not be outvibed, leave me alone.. 😤😁

Instead of calling it a "to do" list, l've started writing "side quests" at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting, and boy has that not worked at all 🙄🙄😂

People with good singing voices should not be allowed to do karaoke - sorry, but it is not fun watching you do a little Star Search performance, I'm here to see drunk Keith fight for his life thru "Livin on a Prayer" as God intended 🤭😂

Every day, my joints are shocked and disgusted that I would use them for their intended purpose 🙄🙄😕

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening, and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team, he said "probably snacks" 😜😂😂

I want a book theme park. I want the shire and Westeros and Willie Wonka's chocolate factory, and I wanna choose my own adventure. I wanna fall down a rabbit hole and stay at The Overlook with a wardrobe to Narnia in my room and the Beast's library downstairs...That's what I want. ☺️😍

Today, I learned that there are female penguins who exchange sex for nice rocks, so if you're having a hard day, just remember that hooker penguins exist 🤭😂

Just learned that the word "ferret" is derived from the Latin word furrittus meaning "LITTLE THIEF" and that a group of ferrets is called a BUSINESS, and i am absolutely pleased with this new knowledge

Remember, you are NEVER too old to be excited when you find a cool rock, when the book you're reading has pictures in it, or when it's spaghetti night. NEVER! 🙃