People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf

I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next fucker.

Anyone who knows me knows a shit ton about awesomeness.

I'm the type to fart in a crowded elevator and get just as upset as everyone else!

I must have a great butt because everytime I finish talking to somebody and start to walk away I hear them say "what an ass"

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets

The funniest thing about this status is that by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s too late for you to stop reading it ... sucker!

Adding "and shit" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

Weird is just a side effect of being awesome!

You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because I just farted!

I have a tremendous sex drive! My girlfriend lives 400 miles away!

Definition of a long distance relationship: Inconveniently the most effective way to find out if you really love each other.

I love you more than meatloaf and I really love meatloaf

Never laugh at your girlfriend's choices. You are one of them!

If you're in Walmart and you're holding in a fart just remember YOU'RE IN WALMART!

You know why you like me ... Cause your fuckin weird too!!!

It may look like I’m in deep thought, but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.

Sometimes I look at my girlfriend and I think Damn she is one lucky lady!

I miss you so much, that I can’t stop thinking about you no matter what I am doing. P.S., I wrote this message while I was on the toilet.

I love you no matter what! Even if you do fart in your sleep!