I really need to confront my phobia of German sausages, but I fear the wurst . . .

I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.

I may not have killed the spider, but, thanks to my primordial scream, I am pretty sure that spider is now deaf.

There was a safety meeting at work today. They asked me, "What steps would you take in the event of a fire?" "Freakin' giant ones" was the wrong answer.

I'm about two tissues away from shoving a tampon in my nose . . . sniffle . . .sneeze . . . cough.

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they are fighting over the world's last Oreo.

I have come to the conclusion that there is a whole lotta trailer park goin' on out there....

I think it would be fun to work at a restaurant on Valentines day and leave fake engagement rings in all the ladies' drinks, then just watch the guys freak out.

Happy Valentine's Day! If you're single, randomly run up and hug somebody, then run off. I'm sure they'll like it. If not, you'll learn what mace feels like.

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. The last thing I want is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

If I say "I don't know, let me look," I'm really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you are on hold.

A party without beer is just a meeting . . .

I'm only here until I leave, then I'll be there.

WARNING: I'm not above using my sex toys as weapons!

Plan for the day: Pretend to know what the hell I am doing . . .

It's so cold, the spiders in my house are stealing lint from the dryer and making themselves tiny sweaters . .

Ya know it's COLD when your walking the dog, he stops and farts and you SEE IT! Happy Monday!

Confucius say: You give a drunk a knife, someone may get stabbed... You give a stoner a knife, someone may make a sandwich.

This years Super Bowl gives new meaning to "This BUDS for you!"

This global warming sure is cold.