MOM CLOSE THE DOOR I'M ON AN "INTERNET DATE"

Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside

I honk at hot joggers because eventually one will memorize my license plate in order to track me down for no strings attached sex.

Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”

Life is what happens when you're not looking at a screen.

It's not you, it's me. I can't stand you. :)

In Alcohols Defense, I've done some pretty stupid shit while completely sober too.

Welcome to kansas....1 week, 3 feet of snow, the Next, 68 and Sunny... Time to Ride!

Text Flirting Tip: Don't reply immediately. Play it cool, wait for a minute, then eventually forget to reply and ruin everything.

A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.

Top 10 reasons why im Lazy! #1 . . .

Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!

was gonna donate blood until the lady got all personal and started asking "who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Left the House!

My annoying neighbors challenged me to a water fight... so I'm posting this status while waiting for the kettle to boil.

Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts :: Others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face.

People say that you have to be insane to understand some of the things in life... well, I'm all set!

Falsus in uno, falsus in omnibus

Im part of the Kickabitch Tribe of the Slapahoe Nation.

Someone once told me that I was the most well adjusted person they knew. I told them that they most know some pretty screwed up people.