Phoenix fe-niks n [ME fenix, fr. OE, fr. L phoenix,fr Gk phoinix] (bef. 12c): a legendary bird which according to one account lived 500 years, burned itself to ashes on a pyre, and rose alive from the ashes to live another period; also: a person or thing likened to the phoenix.
-- Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, 10th ed.
{The totem of my life...Ever shall I rise from the ashes.}




Only those are fit to live who do not fear to die; and none are fit to die who have shrunk from the joy of life and the duty of life. Both life and death are parts of the same Great Adventure. -- Theodore Roosevelt

Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light; I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night. -- Sarah Williams [by way of LC]

True love is eternal, infinite, and always like itself. It is equal and pure, without violent demonstrations: it is seen with white hairs and is always young at heart. -- Honore de Balzac

It isn't so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going. -- Groucho Marx

The shortest and surest way to live with honour in the world, is to be in reality what we would appear to be; all human virtues increase and strengthen themselves by the practice and experience of them. -- Socrates

He that would make his own liberty secure, must guard even his enemy from oppression; for if he violates this duty, he establishes a precedent that will reach to himself. -- Thomas Paine

Often the test of courage is not to die but to live. -- Vittorio Alifieri

Even differences prove helpful, where there are tolerance, charity and truth. -- Mahatma Gandhi

All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream. -- Edgar Allan Poe

Music is the mediator between the spiritual and the sensual self. -- Ludwig van Beethoven

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
-- William Shakespeare

Thirty spokes share the wheel's hub;
It is the center hole that makes it useful.
Shape clay into a vessel;
It is the space within that makes it useful.
Cut doors and windows for a room;
It is the holes which make it useful.
Therefore profit comes from what is there;
Usefulness from what is not there.
-- Lao Tsu

Viva ut Vivas! {Live that you may live!}
-- Ap-Rhys Creed

There is no try!..there is only do or do not.
-- Yoda

Ehbidda-Ehbidda..that's all folks...
-- Porky Pig


{Reluctance, Rationalization, Realization, Recovery a Beginners Journey to Sobriety}

Ok...I don't know exactly what I'm going to write here or how I'm going to start...so I reckin I'll just start by starting....

For a very long time I had been extremely reluctant to admit to myself that I had a condition, something that set me a little apart from the general populace. It didn't make me a bad person or "abnormal" it just meant that I couldn't do something that "normal" people could...and that is DRINK like a normal person.

It took until the 37th year of my life to finally admit it to my self...even ~after~ I almost didn't make it to 37. If I had pulled out of the parking lot of the BAR just a fraction sooner, I most likely wouldn't even be writing this -- but even that very incident didn't stop me. Granted while I was recovering from the accident at my fathers I DIDN'T drink and with earnest thought I wouldn't...out of embarrassment, fear, pride and delusion of control I thought I wouldn't. I was surrounded by family and was beginning what could have been a spectacular relation with a truly magnificent woman...so while recovering from the accident, I had the delusion of 'recovery'.

When my body had (for the most) part healed I'd headed home and felt in "control".....and ~that's~ when the "rationalizing" began again (and I say "again" because that was just the latest incident in my life that I'd allowed my self the delusion of control). I'd come home full of hope and thankfulness...I was alive!..I was healing!...I was still here for my lil' angel!!....but then....but then...I took that first drink!...and...I did a damn good job of rationalizing it!!! (or so I thought). "I'm at home...I'm not out endangering somebody" "It's just one..(well it always starts out as "just one")" "Hey..I've gone out and only had a couple because I was the driver..so I'm in [control]" .... all such ridiculous rationalizations, I'd fed myself....but rationalizing yourself up to (at times) a 5th of whiskey in 24 tics of an hour hand --- is NOT very rational at all.

One might think after damned near killing oneself and self-destructing a potentially magnificent relationship that they would have some "realization"...and in, fair retrospect, there was an underlying realization (simmering unacknowledged for longer than I'd care to delve into)...but it took until the 20th day of the 10th month in the Year of the Lord 2007 for me to be REAL. On the eve of the 19th, I'd called up a beloved family member whom I'd missed...I hadn't had a good week, but I thought I was feeling "fine" (almost a 5th of whiskey can have that delusional effect)...I'd called, but honestly can't even say what it was I had said during the call...BUT...it was enough that she'd called me the next day when I was at work and left me a message telling me she was checking on me and making sure I was ok. She said in the message that she'd told me she was going to call, but I had no recollection of that OR the previous nights conversation ... BUT I could tell the concern and hurt in her voice...and over the following three work days I mulled many a thing in my head and then finally allowed my self the conscious and self-acknowledged realization that I, Christopher, am an Alcoholic. This is something that I'd known for a long time but didn't want to acknowledge, didn't want to admit...I thought that I was "stronger" than that...BUT that very thought of "strength", I've come to realize, had been my most glaring and costly weakness.

Now I've been attending AA since October 20th, 2007 and have come to terms with my weakness against alcohol. And it has been by self-admitting my affliction and understanding that I am NOT alone with this condition that I am gaining TRUE strength against it. I have no illusion or delusion that my continuing journey to sobriety will be an easy one...BUT, I hope and endeavour all my efforts that it is a journey that began on that 20th day of that 10th month and will continue successfully till the breath of this life have left this body.

Well.....I'm not exactly sure why I've writen all this here, who will read it or how it will be perceived...but I reckin I felt it's past time that I was honest with myself and others....and, who knows, maybe someone somewhere out there will read this and find a lil' of themselves in it and help them to start their own journey and to seek, as I have sought, others that can and will help them along.......

The most serene of Peace, the deepest of Love, soulful of Happiness and most bountiful of Prosperity to all who've befriended me...and to all who've set their eyes upon this to read...for we are all bound in the unity of our magnificent humanity..........


Alrighty then, other than that...I'm a single father of the two most beautiful angels (one biological and one ex-step) who are the beats of my heart. I'm not a very complicated kinda guy and possably just a bit flirtatious...;)...anything else ya'd like to know, feel free to ask - just expect an honest answer as I am a very bad (as in not good at it) liar...Much Peace, Love, Happiness, Respect & Prosperity to all (with enough Chaos & Mayhem thrown in for balance).