Ok so I know it has been a long time since I have posted anything. Needless to say a lot has happened.
I am single again(more or less at this point), I want to move to another state ASAP, my health isn't doing great, and my car still isn't fixed yet.
Over the past few months I have done a lot of thinking and contemplating about life, love and who I am.
More or less have come to realize that I am a very reactive person. That when I am treated with love, respect and loyalty, I return it. But when the opposite happens I return that.
Yes, I know that we all are human and prone to faults, including me(must of all). I am my own worst enemy when it comes to beating oneself up for failing or becoming a hypocrite. I have grown over this past two years by leaps and bounds. That I think some are jealous of my progress.
I also have realized that jealousy is in everyone to a certain degree. I was at one point a very much the jealous green eyed monster everyone knows. I learned not to be that, and thought till recently that I was able to beat the green eyed monster completely. But alas I was wrong. I have to admit it was strange to have it creep up a little, LOL. But I have no right to get jealous, not yet anyways. Since the resurrection of my green eyed monster, I have come to accept it. I also have realized that we all have our own green eyed monster and have to accept it and move on with life.
I have come to also realize that we have to learn to accept our dark side as well as our good side. That we all have our own set of personal demons to fight and settle with, before we can move on with life, in order to love and be loved. I have overcome many of my own personal demons. I have grown from this and learned.
I have an all or nothing attitude to love. That I may fall fast and hard but its with such intensity that it scares most people.
I have had a bad taste put in my mouth for any poly relationship. I may have done well in that lifestyle but now really looking hard I doubt it. I need the same strong hard love of one man to please and satisfy me.
I may have found that love, but for once in my life I am taking things slow with him. Which scares the hell out of me because I always plowed full steam ahead when I want someone, let alone fallen in love with them.
Maybe its the fact I am getting older and wiser, LMAO. But I believe I may have a second chance at the all consuming soul mate love, I once thought I had so long ago. That was the one that broke me completely and made me the ~Jaded~ that I am now. It has taken many long hard years to over come most of the pain that was caused.
Is it so much to ask that a man could love me for me? I know I can be a lot to handle, but who isn't? Is it too much to ask for a man to be honest, loyal, faithful, kind and not abusive? Is it so much to ask for a man to love me for my faults as well as my attribute's? Is it too much to ask for to be treated with kindness not with a mean, brash manner? Is it too much to ask for to be treated as an equal? Is it too much to ask all that for treatment of my daughter as well?
Apparently it is too much to ask for from 99.9% of men out there!!
Ok, I think that is a good enough quick update on me for the last few months. I hope everyone is doing well.
May the Goddess watch over, protect and bless you all.
