CantSleepClownsWillEatMe's blog: "Today"

I am still so lost. Right now I am feeling numb. Almost like heartbreak....I dont understand anything although I am trying. Seems like since last night around 9 till now I have been breaking down crying. I was sitting here thinking in the past, seems like any relationship I have been in on my birthday seems to turn to shit. I dont want this relationship to turn bad. But I am scared that I am not that strong. Back and forth and time apart like this is too difficult on me. My ticket back to the states isnt till November 29. Sure there is 2 months, but this is going to be so difficult. I know I am probably not making too much sense, my mind is wondering in a million places seems like I cant concentrate on much today. I am thinking about trying to put my walls back up, but how do you build walls when you live with that person. I dont want to block him out, I love him way too much. I just want to block the pain of thinking that I cant go through this again. Last time leaving for three months tortured me, I would break done crying because I missed him so bad. Nobody seems to understand back home how I feel. How can I be strong when I feel like my heart is breaking and my world is being tumbled upon?