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how hard it is

how hard is it to love someone not for what they can give you but for themselves and what they mean to you how hard is to live life instead of watching it pass you by how hard is to give everything of yourself and ask nothing in return how hard is to be true to yourself and no longer lie to yourself everyday because it is not alright to give up on yourself, or your life many people pulled the strings in my life and they have been cut from me and my life i no longer want strings attached i want a partner to through this sometimes tragic life someone to hold me through the long nights and someone to stand beside me through the tiredsome days someone to be a parent with and welcome into my world someone to help me spread my wings and fly instead of cut me down to size someone to see the real me and you do and now it is up to you my love my heart aches for pain caused in the past but i hope i do not have to pay the price but get the prize of you in my life instead.. a prayer that i pray does not fall on deaf ears for i am just starting to believe again you are in my life for a reason the whys will be answered in time but for now i will just love you and see how this hand plays out win or lose my heart is yours no one will ever have a chance again a simple man for a simple woman and a family that is ours i pray it is not too much to ask but it may be yet again and how my heart will break shattered beyond repair if i am denied the chance to breathe again to love again. i love you and i pray this is enough

things left unsaid

Somber thoughts tears sliding down my face fear racing through me like the devil is on my heels praying for the salvation the chance to be just me finding that chance but unable to prove myself except for these words i write my gifts to you for its all i have left you have everything else to question is normal to go without fear is foolish i just wish but wishes will wait for another day while you contemplate life and i sit and wait as patiently as i can and wondering just like you why me why now after i gave up hope and deciding that settling was safer why did you make me want it all again i had given up on everything and was content to watch the world go by why did you have to make me feel again why did you have to make my heart beat again i was safe there in my own world no one could hurt me again and here i am hurting because i am unable to prove myself just yet my hands are shaking my words are blurred by tears i can not protect myself anymore my defenses are down and you are inside my head your words offer hopes and dreams and your intentions are good i believe this i do but my tears still fall my mind still wonders if when you do see me will you stay or will you go i have to trust you for you have it all no longer numb but sometimes wishing i was everything is streaming through my head because of damage done by others anger and fear feaster inside me words of other echos louder and louder cringing still after all these years fear not of you but of myself i am raw with emotions never felt before to devouring to be mere illusions to true to be anything less than reality a willingness to be true to myself and to you a time to breathe breathe through this too it shall pass i accept this as my reality you and yours me and mine and ours i see you as the man among the boys i see you as you see me and i see things left unsaid for what ever reasons but i trust you to say them when it is right i trust you with my heart becareful it is fragile and it has been broken before by less cautious hands i will not doubt you unless actions do not follow your words take the time you need for i am staying right here waiting.... to hear your voice again those words of ours and the time when we will finally be together because I love you sweetdreams my love

When Tears Fall

When the tears fall and my head is throbbing telling you everything i hate about myself wishing i could have been stronger to hold true to myself but lifes lessons would not have been learned and i would not be who i am now can you see through this too can you see me can you see the real me and not walk away can you handle the mistakes i have made the loss of self was the hardest to regain and although the past still breathes through me i am no longer lost to myself I have found my dreams again I have found the strength to become whom i am today with the love of family and few friends as i close my eyes and think of you my soul speaks to me in the softest voice singing through the tears through the pain the anger gone and the light of faith returning to what was once lost my heart is hungry for someone to love to hold, and cherish as a part of my life i no longer need someone to make me complete but to make my life complete someone to share the blessings of this life with someone to help me raise my son and provide that stability he so desprately needs someone to lean on when life seems so overwhelming and a hand to hold as walk down this new path i can do it on my own but my soul hungers for your touch to see your eyes light up just because i enter a room to have my breath catch as i watch you with my son just know that i am no longer easily molded into someone else i will no longer change just because it makes someone else happy i am strong enough now to hold what i value close and argue for what i believe is right actions speak louder just give me the chance to prove it i will not fail again my heart cries for yours do you hear it praying that this is real and not another illusion because it can not handle another loss to love again after so much pain to trust again after so much abuse to breath again after drowning through the pain through the tears comes hope and dreams love singing thru my veins eager to prove my worth but not to loose myself along the way to be part of a bigger whole to enlarge my little world to encompass yours and to cherish you treasure that you are and bring more smiles than tears to your eyes to see you and see the love we share to hear the words you and i speak shown through our actions to completely heal ourselves and eachother to love completely truly love again and be loved to hold and be held dear as we drift off to sleep this is what i pray this is what i see do you see me can you accept me only you and time will tell but know this i will be here with you in spirit, mind, and soul for the simple reason because i love you

another time

Bringing up the past is slowly eating me feelings of worthlessness are crawling from the woodwork of my mind bringing forth memories rather best forgotten answering questions i never would before baring the layers to my soul pain so very close to overwhelming me tears threatening to fall so many things whispering the echos of cruel intentions, feeling numb today fear reeling inside of me why am i dredging up people and memories that haunt my nightmares when i was finally dreaming again to bring up the past raises questions questions i dont know if i have the answers too i was young, i was hurting, still am in so many ways feeling raw inside reopening old wounds in the hopes that being true to myself, and honest with you will bring me happiness that i only catch fleeting glances of i pray the nightmares that are going to haunt me will be worth it this time that taking this chance will not end up killing me because you already have the power to destroy me and with that the tears start streaming and the floods roll in shaken to the core and i pray

fine line

Sitting here morning light giving some relief to the darkness that haunts me my heart cries for you it cries for your pain, fear, and the love you give it cries for the chance at happiness it cries because it dawns on me just how much you can now destroy me a chance i am now taking to love again, truly love like i never have before needing to hear your voice, needing to feel your arms around me needing that safe place to love freely after never being enough before, that is all i pray for trying to face the fears head on trying not to run trying to breath through the pain the past brings forth my life has not been easy due to the paths i have taken giving my heart where it is unwanted, nor needed little man needing a father mommy needing a friend, lover, someone to lean on someone who has all the qualities i am looking for not what i am willing settle for because now that you are in my life settling is not an option it is you or nothing so i breath through the pain of the past, wait for morning light to see through my fears and wait to hear your voice, and great the warmth with a smile the emotions that flood me when i think of you are overwhelming but bring the smile you love so much to my face because that fine line we walk takes focus, and i choose to focus on you, and our little angels and the future we may have so hold my hand my love we will stabilize eachother to walk our lines together shakie as we maybe, the line will only get tighter as we go and together we can do this, you have the power to destroy me to finish off what others started to do or you can make me stronger and allow me to lean on you as i hope you will lean on me to hear your voice, brings a glow to me that i have never had before and with the dawn a new day and a new realization of just how much I love you and I just how badly I want to spend the rest of my life with you... If you will have me and mine *love you Ironezzz

jump

It is a still night the moisture in the air dense with desperation fear grows as does hope a neverending battle of wills with hearts in the middle to risk again to breath again wishing for a cool breeze or a calming touch to wipe these fears away but alas tonight no relief for the humidity wears on the body like the fears drown ones soul a deep breath and fresh start to look forward instead of behind and to put the demons to rest behind the dragon and move on from my sheltered cove carved into the mountains hidden beyond view with prying eyes watching every move ready to leave i do believe somewhere new a new life a new chance if you want us both we will be yours and we can carve our own safe place together somewhere where prying eyes can not control our lives... somewhere it is just us against them raising a family and finally figuring out what love truly is no more fear, no more running just a deep breath and.... jump

turning to night

a day turning to night a night turning to day and another day turning to night so many things running through my mind caution being warned out of love but the pieces that are left of me are mine and choose to roll the dice and take the advice of a wise wolf reminding me i have nothing to gain without taking a chance my heart beats just a little faster with every thought of you until my breath is caught with a simple smile hearing you playing your songs hearing your soothing voice brush ever so softly against my heart calling for me to follow instead of fight but alas i am still fighting however now it is for the chance of a lifetime battle the demons within begging for silence and a fresh start to a new day completely amazed by you..... and your depth of character and capacity for love making me close my eyes and just follow the lead of my heart i have been down this road before but it was never such an enjoyable experience as my words turn from me to we so do my emotions.... i fall deeper into your blue eyes falling under your spell you have me now and my heald breathe dancing so softly in the breeze

someone special

as i sit hear listening to you play part of my story now known so much still unknown and the beauty is the path to finding out i could listen to you all night long and never feel tired hearing your own music dance accross my soul as i sit and write these words for you you are surprising me at every turn words flow from these fingertips as i listen to the music you are playing for me my breath is stolen by pure simplicity of the moment singing for me...... how did i get so lucky humbled by the thought....

an end

it is so hard when you know something has to come to an end when the tears flow because of pain caused selfishness being thrown forward making one feel meaningless words spoken without regard to consequences and a numbing wave rolling over those hurt i'm sorry came too late too busy to communicate with those supposedly loved causing distance too great to be overcome just because you want it too ignorance may be bliss but the pain it causes still ripples through it is all too late one thing after another fearing to call, because you rarely do such a change from not too long ago tired of being so depressed tired of feeling unloved tired of excuses tired of all of this pain... tired of feeling numb like i was a few years ago powerless and in tears because someone i loved changed so drastically you need to look into yourself and take the time to heal from your past i am not a bandaid for you or anyone i will not do this again i can not do this again my son means too much to me to have him see me like this he deserves to see mommy happy and someone with the same values as me to help me turn him into a man i can be proud of why did it all change words unspoken are meaningless now you devastated me with one comment offense was taken and i deserve better than this and perhaps it may have found me

one last chance

a little voice whispers from the past haunting melodies played for me tears for the silly daydreams of old all grown up, with a child of her own still reading bedtime stories and chasing fireflies playing race cars instead of dolls and praying your dreams come true my son as one chapter closes another is opening i have no clue how this is all going to work all i know is that this i am giving a chance a chance to grow, my own chance to dream a time to move on with my life and take the chances i have hidden from a promise given... intent made known... to make something work and take our time to learn and grow the sound of my pounding heart is all i can hear with your words streaming accross my heart one last chance one last dance one last breath and i am forever your this chapter is ours to write so where shall we start? time moves us from one place to another like the tides moving in and out and when i least expect it you came in...and swept me away like the tide and now i am rolling with you to where ever this may lead!
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