DianeW DNO's blog: "UK"

The One Flaw In Women By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?" And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, Have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable And able to run on diet coke and leftovers, Have a lap that can hold four children at one time, Have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -and she will do everything With only two hands." The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish." "But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days." The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord." "She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish." "Will she be able to think?", asked the angel. The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, She will be able to reason and negotiate." The angel then noticed something, And reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one." "That's not a leak," The Lord corrected, "that's a tear!" "What's the tear for?" the angel asked. The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, Her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, Her loneliness, her grief and her pride." The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing." And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, But they hold happiness, Love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy And laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer When they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel And cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about A birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give . HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Pick Heaven or Hell One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good- bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and Filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff." E-mail this joke to your friends! # Visit the next joke about this topic!

T'was the night before Christmas, he lived all alone in a one-bedroomed house made of plaster and stone I had come down the chimney with presents to give and to see just who in this home did live I looked all about a strange sight I did see no tinsel, no presents, not even a tree no stocking by the mantle, just boots filled with sand on the wall hung pictures of far distant lands with medals and badges, awards of all kinds a sober thought came through my mind for this house was different, it was dark and dreary I'd found the home of a soldier, once I could see clearly the soldier lay sleeping silent alone curled up on the floor in this one-bedroomed home his face was so gentle, the room in such disorder not how I pictured a lone British soldier. Was this the hero of whom I'd just read curled up on a poncho, the floor for a bed? I realised the families that I'd seen this night owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to fight soon around the world the children would play and grown-ups would celebrate a bright Christmas day They all enjoy freedom each month of the year because of the soldiers, like the one lying here I couldn't help wonder how many more were alone on a cold Christmas Eve in a land far from home The very thought brought a tear to my eye I dropped to my knees and started to cry the soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice 'Santa, don't cry. This life is my choice I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more my life is my God, my country, my corps.' The soldier rolled over and drifted to sleep I couldn't control it, I continued to weep I kept watch for hours so silent and still and we both sat and shivered from the cold nights chill I didn't want to leave on that cold dark night this guardian of honour so willing to fight Then the soldier rolled over with a voice soft and pure whispered 'carry on Santa. It's Christmas day, all is secure' One look at my watch and I knew he was right 'Merry Christmas my friend, and to all a good night' This poem was written by a peace keeping soldier stationed overseas. The following is his request: Please would you do me the kind favour of sending this to as many people as you can. Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our British service men and women for our being able to celebrate thest festivities. please dont mess this up and send it to as