"You're too bashful. You're too emotional. you see the bad before the good.
Then reality sets in about your goals for the new you. People don't change,right? We're hard wired. Personality, intelligence, ability, it's all set at an early age. Personality in particular. It's just the way you are. One of your "attributes" might get in the way of a better life, but why try to fight it and fail?
In its study of personality, psychologists often peg the age of jellying as early as 5 and as late as 30. In other words, adults past there 20's should just forget about making meaningful changes.
Well, chin up.
Several personality psychologists of late say the "set in stone" premise is gone too far. Research is showing that individuals' personalities do change over time, the personality change is on going.
Most important, they say motivated people with the right outlook and some common sense strategies can tweak their traits to make them work better for them.
Here's how Carol S. Dweck, a Stanford University psychology professor with a recent book on the topic, looks at personality change:
"You need more than motivation," Dweck said. "You need the right belief system."
Dweck, author of "Mindset: The New Psychology of Success," about personality tweaks, said people have one of two mind-sets: fixed verses growth.
People with the fixed mind-set believe intelligence and personality can be developed and cultivated.
Growth mind-set people are certain they can change and improve, Dweck said. Fixed mind-set people listen to the voice in their heads that says, "Watch out, failure ahead," After a sset back the voice says' "Pull out now."
Dweck studied pre-med students taking an organic chemistry course. All, were highly motivated to get good grades. Two groups emerged among those who weren't performing as well as they hoped. One group quickly concluded organic chemistry simply wasn't their thing. The other group didn't know how to stop talking in those terms. They believed they could get better and make plans to do so.
In the end the "growth mind-set" students out preformed the "fixed mind-set" students, who were less resilient and had more fear, she said. It;s the same with anyone trying to make a change, such as overcoming shyness, she said.
"You have to believe first that change is possible, and you need to understand that change comes through systematic strategies, Dweck said. "The growth mind-set person recognizes that you're not good at something before you are good at it."
A person's personality traits no doubt alter over time, said Steve Ilardi, associate professor of psychology at the University of Kansas.
An irresponsible 15-year old can become a responsible 25-year old, Ilardi said. That's because personalities develop and mature with age an in response to circumstances.
But can an irresponsible 25-year old turn himself into a highly responsible 25-year old? Actually, no one should expected big, positive swings in personality, he said.
Take Dweck's shy person.
" A shy person can become a more comfortable person," Ilardi said. "But it's not likely they'll become the person who says, 'Let's throw a party for a hundred of our closest friends, and I'll put a lampshade on my head.'".
Even small changes take a lot of work, sometimes requiring therapy, Ilardi said. A good therapist can help a patient over come such things as social anxiety and phobias, but success takes time.
"People get caught in predictable patterns, in ruts," he said. "It takes a lot of awareness to say, 'I'm going to take these steps, and I'm gonna stay with it.'"
"I can't even change the coffee shop I go to without agony," said Judith Sills, clinical psychologist and author of "The Comfort Trap." "Change is an effortful, focused process. It requires concentration and practice."
But it can be done, she said. A particularly grudging person can learn to praise others. A highly expressive person with a loose tongue can become more discreet. A passive person can become more assertive.
"You can identify those aspects of you that trip you up, and in a focused and specific way, you can really alter reactions and behaviors and make your life better," she said.
Trying to figure out why you are the way you are could be a waste of time, Sills said. Instead, concentrate oh how to start the process of change. Generally, the key is to take baby steps, she said.
For example, the person who wants to be more involved in work life might set a small goal for the next meeting, such as making a suggestion to a colleague.
A person who wants to be more assertive might choose one action they've been putting off, such as discussing a long-simmering disagreement with a neighbor. After choosing the action, identify the small step that will force the situation, such as picking up the phone to make the dreaded call.
"These new, small things are so wonderful," Sills said. "Now you have the beginnings of a repertoire to fall back on. Now you're the person who stood up for himself and make the call.
"Now you see yourself as a different person."
Written by: Edward M. Eveld (Kansas City Star)
This article woke me up about a few things going on in my life....
Comments welcome, Thanks for reading!
