NTZ's blog: "A Return Of Thought"

At times I get that feeling that I'm years behind in life. Like some of this i'm dealing with personally should've been dealt with by age 19 or 20.  I ask myself that, just part of the long thought process on how much i've sabotage myself.  I lived life as a teen with no care for anything.  Everything was a whatever.  All because I truly believe I'll end up killing myself eventually.  So why go through this or that?  Why spend time worrying or just thinking about things that my peers were spending hours trying to perfect.  Who cares about college? Fuck the prom.  What homework? What I need a license for?  Just take the bus. Blah blah blah is all i heard but ok.  Ok mom, you'll get the A's & B's. Ok teachers, I'll take the SAT and fill out scholarships. Just leave me alone, ok?!? So now years go by and i'm still alive.  Damn! Guess I didnt have the balls to end it all so now i'm behind the times trying to catch up.  Now that pisses me off as I look in the mirror. Pisses me more when I look out at the world.  What the hell is out here?  I dont know what people see when they look outside.  I see illusions.  I see false dreams.  I see obsessions misunderstood.  I see caged lives.  I see buried hopes and desires.  I see nothing at all at times.  I cant grasp the things people want and i've struggled to find anything I actually want.  I question myself when I use that word, want.  Do I really want this or not?  Always doubt, but time goes on and it helps to weed out what you dont really want.  In the end I just want FREEDOM! That's all.  Freedom from you.  Freedom from this world.  Freedom from myself. 

No wait, need to get closer with myself. Need a long talk with myself and speed up the chase and catch life.  Then pass it by instead having it to pass me. Maybe that's a too late scenario. You tell me?  In my life i'm down to one person i'm sure who wants to get on my roller coaster.  Guess that's better than none but once again you tell me. Though, maybe i'll grow some balls eventually and this would all be a mute point. Until then is a must to work myself towards something.  So thats what's going on.  Damn, going to need a lot of help. Figure out something, usually do.