Today's lesson is a throwback to the good old days when school teachers still had a whip and you were disgraced if you showed up at home with a "D" on your report card. Today is a lesson in basics; the basics of being a man. Let's call it Manhood 101.
With all the knowledge I have at my disposal, you may be asking, "Mr. Mafioso, why waste your valuable time with trivial lessons when there are other, more powerful lessons I need to learn about business and respect?"
Simple.
To build a great house, you need a strong foundation on which to put all the other pretty things. To build a great man, you also need a solid foundation on which to add all the other little things that set the real men apart from the stronzos.
Over the last few years of writing this little column, I've learned that too many men have no foundation, no basis on which to build the principles I teach. There are many ways to define a man, and different people have different definitions, so I'm going to skip all that crap and tell you the only thing you need to know: My way is the correct way and that's it, that's all. Capisce?
a real man readsIf you don't agree, go read the column of some guy from Arkansas who thinks owning a pickup truck is what defines a man. You'll see how far you get with his advice.
Trait #1: A real man is strong
A real man doesn't cry, doesn't moan, doesn't complain, doesn't get sick, and doesn't need to go to the doctor every time he sneezes. A real man makes decisions and lives with the consequences. A real man accepts responsibility for his actions and his words. A real man is firm. If life is a bitch, a real man will slap her and move on.
A real man is macho; a real man is tough; a real man doesn't show emotions. A real man is the backbone of his family and doesn't have time to be weak. If spiders scare you, you'll never be a real man.
Trait #2: A real man is focused
A real man knows the difference between what's important and what isn't. A real man doesn't waste time on stupidities that don't bring him any profit. Sure, there are things you can do as a hobby -- I like to shoot ducks -- but it must have a purpose. The purpose of my hobby is to improve my aim, and I don't have to tell you whether or not that's a useful thing in my life or not.
A real man focuses on power, money and family. He doesn't focus on sex. Sex comes as a result of having power, money and a wife (and if she doesn't satisfy you, there are plenty of other women who will, especially when you are powerful and rich).
Trait #3: A real man knows the importance of family
A real man will keep his family strong and pass on his ancestors' history and traditions. A real man knows that his children are God's gift and should be treated as such, even if he disciplines them from time to time.
A real man must also remember his other Family, his organization. In my world, both my family and my Family hold the same importance; I protect them both with all my might. If you have a Family, don't forget where your loyalties lie and who has your back when you need it.
Trait #4: A real man doesn't gossip
A real man keeps his fucking mouth shut. He shelters information and rations his words. A real man does not reveal more than he has to and doesn't engage in girlie (gossip) talk about others. A real man doesn't discuss things he doesn't know about or people he has never met.
Trait #5: A real man's word is his bond
When a real man makes a promise, he keeps it. If he can't keep a promise, he doesn't give his word. A real man would rather die than break his word. A real man knows that his words are as powerful as his actions, and that they must be taken at face value. That is why he rations them (see above).
Trait #6: A real man strives to be a role model
A real man respects himself and others at all times, unless, of course, he has been disrespected. A real man sets an example for his disciples and especially his children. I never bring my work home or bitch drama to the net, so my children only know me as their father and not as an IT Administrative Networking individual. You should do the same; a real man sets the tone for his children and keeps them from discovering that he has weaknesses.
Trait #7: A real man makes his own fortune
A real man doesn't settle for handouts or charity when it comes to his personal fortune. A real man isn't satisfied with papa's money. He spits on Lady Luck and decides his own destiny. A real man who inherits the goods from his forefathers takes his inheritance and turns it into 10 times what it was.
Trait #8: A real man doesn't look like a woman
A real man doesn't, doesn't shave his chest. Manicures, however, are acceptable. Massages from female attendants are also tolerated. A real man knows that, outside of his barber, all his personal hygiene needs must be taken care of by a woman.
A real man has at least three suits (with a mandatory pinstriped one) that cost more than a roomful of escorts. A real man wears a suit at least three times a week. Any man who doesn't know how to tie a tie should hand in his testicoli immediately. And learn how to order a bottle; I'm sick of seeing babbos ordering Colt 45 in fine establishments.
Lesson over. So what have you learned here today, class? You learned that you have a lot of homework to do before you can call yourself a real man. A real man is the essence of manhood because, by definition, he has achieved the pinnacle of his role.
You see? That was me trying to be a smartass. Here's a bonus trait: A real man keeps it simple. If you know big words, use them rarely and appropriately, at least in front of morons who think they're smarter than you. For those pussies that bring drama and bullshit threats your way take this fucking lesson to heart, Lesson over.
Watch your backs and keep your noses clean.
