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what should a girl do..

i am so exhausted yet cannot sleep because there is so much on my mind. phillip and i have been together for over 5 years now and it hasnt been a day in the park by no means. the only thing we agree on is that we have two beautiful and loving girls. i want the gf/bf relationship to end. i am tired of being full of hatred and being mean to him that isnt who i am. when i am playing with our girls (which is everyday) i am so happy, i couldnt be happier being around them. i wont lie sometimes it is nice to have a break but i couldnt stay away from them for longer than half a day. phillip and i broke up last year around jan. and i went to stay at my moms for a while. i was miserable without seeing them everyday. i want phillip and i to seperate because we fight about everything and anything. he says mean things and so do i, but what hurts is that our girls are here when we fight. i dont want them growing up in an enviroment full of fighting and hatred. they are the only thing that matters to me anymore. i love them so so very much! i pray alot more these days and i ask God to help me be the best person i can be..give me more patience, strength, forgiveness, wisdom, a warm heart full of love and it kills me that phillip brings out a mean and bitter person full of hate (towards him)..i notice a change in how i act when he is around me and i want it to stop. i guess you people reading this just say *well why dont you leave*..i wish it was that easy. we have both our names on the lease and i cant ask him to leave at this moment because he has no relatives or friends here..he doesnt have a car ( i do since i pay for it i believe it should stay with me ) i would suggest him staying with my mom, but they cannot stand one another! the lease is up in august but why should i have to live in such turmoil and what is worse why should the girls...i try to just stay away from him but our paths cross at times during the day and neither one of us has much to say and if we do it is mean and hateful..i know that relationships can be tough but i dont want this one to work..i had dreams with him a future planned out but i dont think that is what God has planned for either one of us....i want to be happy i deserve it and the girls for sure deserve it without a doubt! life is hard enough why should home be somewhere that you hate being...my heart doesnt even really hurt anymore when i think of moving on, and of course like so many other people in a bad relationship (one where someone wants out) you think to yourself well maybe there is someone in the picture...THERE ISNT! God knows i was married for 9 years and i have been with phillip for 5 i could love being by myself; although, chief (friend of mine) if i could have more babies i would consider marrying you in a heartbeat lol...jaisun (another friend) who the hell knows what you want but since you only call me when your horny i think i have a clue lmao....you make me feel 18 again... THANKS! some of you are lost and thinking i am cheating probably, but if you remember reading the part where phillip and i seperated last year i meet someone else, but that has NOTHING to do with me wanting it to end with phillip! that guy and i hardly even speak anymore and we have NOT seen each other in over a year... i just wanna laugh and love and if that is a crime then lock me up! right now i could use some advice God knows i need it from someone other than my mom...(i try not to ask her advice to much anymore she is trying to enjoy life at her age) well if anyone reads this and feels the need to help a friend i would appreciate it!

~M~

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