The primary two flavours of relationships within the BDSM community are known as EPE and TPE respectively (Erotic Power Exchange & Total Power Exchange). Occasionally EPE will be called RPE or Romantic Power Exchange. Of the two, the Erotic flavour has by far the largest in number of adherents, and incorporates a host of possibilities as ways to make BDSM elements a part of a relationship.
Where TPE has only the "on" and "off" mechanisms (either you are in the relationship as a full time Master or slave, or out of it entirely), EPE relationships are much more dynamic in both their establishment, and their evolution over time. They can also be far more complex, or simple, depending on the wishes of the parties.
EPE relationships are generally negotiated carefully. For example, there may be multiple, simultaneous power exchanges taking place, and prior to the giving or receiving of the collar each of those roles are clearly defined and agreed upon. In a TPE relationship, by contrast, there is simply one "Boss" (or Bossette) and that is that.
EPE partners often look at the strengths and weaknesses of each party, and assign the stronger of the two the "top" role in that aspect. Even though there is one "primary" D/M in the relationship, it is not uncommon for roles to be almost evenly divided. Written contracts are not uncommon–especially when the "goal" of an EPE situation is long-term & even a legally married one, and there is a definite need to keep complicated arrangements clearly defined.
For example, it may be that the "spirituality" element will be the purview of one partner, where the "financial" matters are the responsibility of the other. The range of possibilities are practically endless.
Another key element of the EPE situation is the "erotic" component. In many cases, "punishment" per se is combined with or part of a "scene" where the sexual nature of the scene is never in question. In such cases, for example, planned "role play" involving "being bad" leads to "punishment" with other sexual activities.
Role play can be very elaborate, with artfully planned romantic encounters incorporating "desires" of either party (such as abduction/rape, costumes from assorted historical time periods, and an endless list of possible activities in these lengthy "scenes").
While some in the TPE segment would view this as purely "bedroom kink," for some couples it is a vital aspect of keeping sexuality fresh and fun. Many EPE scenes last several hours or even days in duration, where TPE "sessions" are often considerably shorter, and designed purely for the pleasure release or endorphin-charged emotions of one party or the other.
That is not to say that spontaneity is lacking in TPE–but those who seek the EPE partner have the "romantic" view of relationships, and generally tend to be more elaborate with their "kinks" and proclivities.
Another aspect of EPE in many cases is a "spiritual" element. EPE fits nicely in the overall scheme of many belief systems, including Judeo/Christian teachings of submission. Many aspects of EPE relationships are often "ritualized" mirroring other spiritual aspects of common beliefs between partners. Again, that is not to say there are not many rituals in other styles–such as Gorean, Master/slave (TPE), etc. However, it seems that where spiritual elements blend with relationships and Power Exchanges, the abundance of these people find themselves living the EPE segment.
Negotiating an EPE relationship can be a very time consuming ritual itself, if it is going to have clearly defined boundaries on individual elements. It also must be meticulously done, as the "devil is in the details." Items forgotten can come back to haunt the couple later. It often seems like a "contract negotiation" for a business deal, but time spent in advance pays dividends as the relationship develops.
The concepts of rewards/punishments, hard and soft limits, safewords, and general guidelines for individual "top" and "bottom" roles in the relationship generally fall on the main "leader" in the exchange. However, there is ample room for both parties to play roles in the negotiation process.
Lengthy lists of "possibilities" are often exchanged, comparisons made, and a "collective" list assembled from there. These lists can then be further broken down into assorted classifications based on desires, needs and other criteria of the couple. If the D/M has a "training program" of sorts, generally it is incorporated into one of the two possible contracts or agreements.
If a marriage is contemplated, there may be the need for a "legally binding" contract, commonly known as a marriage contract or prenuptial agreement. (This protects assets brought into the relationship from total confiscation by the other, and serves other legal purposes.) For the BDSM lifestyle elements that would never stand up in a court of law, but are considered important for the couple, then a secondary agreement places all those elements together. (See our 200 page collection for sample contracts of assorted varieties.)
Occasionally with the growth of a couple, or an individual, over time, an originally established EPE relationship can deepen into one of TPE. Newcomers who fear diving into the TPE angle too quickly may elect to enter into a narrow scope EPE relationship. It may gradually evolve into a more total exchange of power over several years or longer. In this case, the concept of "trust" is established slowly rather than simply turning over 110% of control, or accepting it, from a rather "blind" situation in the beginning.
In any case, the diversity of individual needs within the BDSM culture requires that approaches to relationships be considered carefully. The Romantic or Erotic seekers have a wide range of possibilities. Only when one is completely satisfied that ultimate servitude or Domination is possible in their mind and heart should TPE be seriously considered. Otherwise, the less drastic EPE angle will likely be a better fit.
