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LanceVance21's blog: "Random Jokes"

created on 03/11/2007  |  http://fubar.com/random-jokes/b63816

TOP 9 SEX JOKES

TOP 9 SEX JOKES > > # 9 > A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. > As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps > into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into > her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your > heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She > replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221." > > ******************************************************** > # 8 > A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get > you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," > responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating > something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let >> > > me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 > shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will." > > ********************************************************* > #7 > A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be > seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange > brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about > sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, > "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. > It identifies that American Indians have the longest > average penis and Polish men have the biggest average > diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" > He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you." > > *********************************************************** > # 6 > One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently > taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. > The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a > gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay > fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to > sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his > wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have > a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" > > ************************************************************ > # 5 > Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there > for a number of years when he came home one day to confess > to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an > urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife > suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about > it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He > vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few > weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife > could see at once that something was seriously wrong. > "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I > told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis > into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I > did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, > Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" > "Oh...she got fired too." > > ************************************************************** > # 4 > A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been > in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to > rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On > doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and > tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests > he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is > any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and > this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that > the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait > > outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man > to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about > five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor > his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which > the man replies: "She choked." > > ************************************************************ > # 3 > A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He > puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the > astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this > alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the > gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open > his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for > witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." > The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the > bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the > alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the > crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer > bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its > head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his > genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the > first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up > again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's > willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. > After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A > woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise > not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle". > > *************************************************************** > # 2 > A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he > notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big > black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 > foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 > pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!! > The big black dude picks up the small white guy and > brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks > the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy > says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude > looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, > 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner > Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you > said 'Turn around. '" > > *********************************************************** > # 1 > There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. > They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when > the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, > we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, > "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this > breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We > were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years > ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should > we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and > sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old > lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you > today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be > surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and > the other is in your oatmeal!!!! >
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