Those lines are known as Holly's rules for appropriate bar behavior. They apply primarily to hockey players, who seem not to know that there is such a thing as appropriate behavior.
They are as follows:
1. If you feel that you have to bend over so as not to hit the ceiling while standing still, you are not allowed to "get your grove on" or "shake your grove thing". You should also stop listening to what is said in the arena, as it's become incorporated into your vocabulary. Brian Boyle, this means you.
2. Every bar is not a kareoke bar. Do not try to make it one. Kevin...
3. Bathing is not optional post-game.
4. Going home with fat chicks isn't lowering your standards, it's just sad. When I prevent that from happening, it isn't cock blocking. It's being a good friend.
5. I can curse you out in as many languages as you can curse me out, Petr. And I'll totally tell your mom, too. Or at least, I will next time she's here.
6. Grunting and woohooing is not conversation.
7. There are no keg stands in bars. Please stop asking.
8. Buying my drinks does not equal my taking my top off. Especially when you've known me since I was born. In fact, in that situation, it equals creepy.
9. I won't even pretend this is for someone else... Teddy, you must wear your flippers. Seriously, you're totally adorable, but I'm pretty sure that when you open your mouth and you're missing 6 teeth it scares girls off. Not me, but 99.9% of girls.
10. Stop with the douchebaggery in foreign languages. Seriously, just because drunk girls think it's cute when you talk to each other in French/Russian, it isn't. Especially since I speak enough of both to get what you're saying. One of these days I'm going to start telling them.
11. The whole chestbutting each other isn't cute. Nor is it manly. It's just strange.
In short, stop acting like idiots. And I'll keep hanging out with you.
P.S. Gules, Mama L says hi.
