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| Hi! I'm your Technical Support Rep. I have a computer, teleconsiderable amount of control over one or more important aspects of your daily life: phone, computer and internet. Sometimes one, sometimes all three Before we interact, I'd like to share some thoughts with you: * I am here, simply put, to fix your shit. My job is not complete until said shit is fixed. Please just help me fix this shit. * With that out of the way, know that I hate you exactly as much as you hate me. No more, no less. If you are at least relatively pleasant, I'm happy to help you- even to make small talk as I attend to the issue at hand. Conversely, if you are a total and complete jackass, I will make this the worst 10 - 30 minutes of your week. * Neither I, nor any of my coworkers, are out to fuck you. We are not idiots. . Sometimes we have off days, sure, but we know EXACTLY what we are doing. Note that this does not apply to anyone outside of our department. They are, in all reality, idiots who are out to fuck you. * So you've already unplugged the router and any other hardware and plugged it back in? Brace yourself, you're going to do it again. Most of the time I do this for a reason...unless you're a dick. Then I do it to see how mad it makes you. * To those who think they are "computer illiterate": The vast majority of the time, you are lovely customers: Patient, willing to learn, and most importantly, willing to listen. Thank you! * To those who think they know everthing about computers : The vast majority of the time, you are retarded: If you already cycled your equipment and it didn't work, why did it work when I made you do it again? If you are so well educated, stay the hell out of the queue so that people who need help can get it. * Supervisors don't have a magic wand that they can wave to make everything better. They are governed by the same protocol and use the same utilities as I do. In fact, supervisors are more likely to tell you to fuck off- believe it or not, they have other pressing issues to attend to. If a node goes down, they WILL put those 200 subscribers before you in Priorityland. * It worked fine yesterday? Oh, then I must be wrong. Let me reconsider the 40 minutes I spent troubleshooting your stupid shit. Check it out: Shit breaks (see point 1); If shit did not break, I would be mowing your lawn instead of sitting in this office. * Speakerphone? Turn it the fuck off. * Don't call back and have another rep troubleshoot the same problem. He will read the notes I left about how you spilled coke into your monitor. Even if he didn't, he would come to the same conclusion, and more people with undiagnosed problems would be stuck listening to that god-awful hold music. * I am not blowing smoke when I say that I understand how frustrating it is to wait on hold, get transferred, and deal with bad agents. I too have called a tech support line. The difference is that I actually DO care about your problem, so please just calm down before I kill your family. * To this day, noone has ever called in to say "I just wanted you to know that my shit is working correctly." Maybe someday? So what can I help you with today? |
