So there is this person who has entered my life that is affecting me in ways that kind of scare me. I mean, he is forcing me to reevaluate my whole being, who I am and who I want to be. Few people affect me in that manner, because I don't feel comfortable with it. I don't like change, especially change from within. I would prefer to remain the same way I've always been. But he makes me want to change, makes me want to be a different, better person. He is an honest, open, genuine person himself and I don't doubt their intentions as being anything but benevolent. I guess a lot of the "issue" here is my inability to open up immediately. For the most part, it's not that I don't want to, I just don't know how to or can't. A lot of people would say "it's not that you can't, it's that you won't" but I say fuck you to them. I know he really wants emotional intimacy. He's given it to me and I have yet to fully reciprocate. I dwell on it because I know it's what he wants, but it's something I don't know how to fully give. It frustrates me because I can see that need, and I feel like a wretched person because I can't give him what he needs. I trust him to a certain extent and I think a lot of my fears have to do with rejection. What if he sees the real me and doesn't like what he sees? Or doesn't accept my true inner self or my real emotions? Sometimes I don't even know my real emotions and I can't always verbalize them, but that's not the "issue" here. The "issue" is that I've spent my entire life being closed off. Being closed off was supposed to protect me from the evils of the world, yet it seems to be systematically destroying me and everything/everyone I love. My private/closed off nature is going to force me to lose one of the best things that's happened to me so far, unless I change. But how do you change a part of you after being a certian way for so long? How do you go against your instinctive nature and break off from the past? How do you let go of the past hurts and the secret pains, because we all have secret pain?
ON TOPIC LYRICS: "Something Corporate "The Runaway"
if you ran to the end of the earth
i would catch you and you would be safe
if you fell down the well
i would bring you a rope and take all the pain
all the pain, all the pain
that you hide from me everyday
if youre missing i will run away
i will build a path to you
if you're missing i will run away
because I find myself in you
if i woke up alone i won't stop till i'll find you and you are with me
cause by now, i know you better than you know yourself
and i know what you really need
what you need, or i need
but either way this is where you should be
here with me, or ill bleed so much that you wont believe
if you're missing i will run away
i will build a path to you
if you're missing i will run away
because I find myself in you
you better not, you better not run
you better not, you better not run
if you're missing i will run away
i will build a path to you
if you're missing i will run away
i will find you
i will find you
i will find you
But anyways, so I don't particularly know what to do about it. I could just accept the need to change and actually change for once. I could ignore the inclination, but the force is strong with this one (sorry, I had to put that in there).
Anyways, in other news, I'm working too much, sleeping barely enough, and totally got the boy I wanted. Yay me. *applause* Okay, in all seriousness, life is going pretty well these days. My cats are a little psychotic, my roommate is kick ass (even if he does spill beer while throwing away banners we stole), my boyfriend is an amazing human being, my coworkers are wonderfully dysfunctional, and I have a free Christmas Tree.