dear mom,
i came home today with good news outweighing bad. i told dad before i told you, he was estatic. i couldnt wait to surprise you wit the news i had. i had been bubbling over all day. i told dad not to say anything within ur hearin range.
i ran up stairs.
mom: "ace?"
me: "hey mom!"
mom: "how was ur day?"
me: "well...in calculus we got back our tests..."
[mom fidgets a lil]
me: "i got a 69% on it."
[mom about to say something]
me: "BUT! in spanish we got bak tests too. i got a 98 [i pause, no reaction]...on corrections on preterite vs. imperfect. then i got an 80-something on a test on the preterite [pause again, no reaction but a slight smile]...ok...then in science, we got bak our presentation grades and i got 25 out of 25...[pause, nothing but the slight, polite smile]...aren't you happy?"
mom: "yes i am"
me: "...ok...um, then we had an open notes quiz on the notes we took the day before and i got a 10 out of 10...[no reaction]...and we had a test and i got 52 out of 50! [no reaction as i wait for some happiness or sign of congratulations]"
mom: "maybe you should drop calculus"
me: "NO! bye!" [storm upstairs and close the door and start to cry]
mom, i wish you knew how much i was tempted to call you today and tell you that fenton (the head science teacher) is proud of me, that for most of the day, i was happy, that i even went to the college meeting today and tried to enjoy it. i wish i could just show u the stuff we study at school and how hard it is. i wish u knew how much i try to make you happy by trying to get the grades i can...and all u can do is critisize and pull me down. how could u SAY that "mayb u should drop calculus" to me when i'm trying SO HARD to understand math for the first time in four years. why cant u understand this? YOU being happy cuz of something I DID means the world to me and you cant even do that!
you told me you wanted to explain why you'r concerned BUT WHY CANT U BE HAPPY FOR ME FOR ONCE?! just b happy that i'm TRYING instead of not caring. JUST BE GODDAMN HAPPY!!! i failed everything last yr! i hung by a thread all year and now that i'm finally picking myself back up and i cant get help from my teacher cuz of all the things u tell me to do during the day! u tell me in the morning to go to a college meeting, which one, wat time as the first thing i hear in the morning...on top of the writing center (which i hate), spanish honors...mom, i dont have time for myself anymore...you push me too hard and expect me to do too much.
i wish u knew how much i have to stop myself from letting my mind wander everyday, how much i wish i could do instead of my homework, how much i TRY to impress you...but you compare me to wat i SHOULD be doing, to wat i SHOULD be gettin in my classes, to wat colleges look for...i'm sorry i'm not a straight A student.
thanks mom,
thanks for such a WONDERFUL end to one of the happiest days i'v ever had at school. thanks for making my makeup smear and my nose run as i sit here wit my music blaring and hopin u cant hear me sobbing.
~ace~
