Sassy's blog: "To Earthward"

- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. - You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started. - You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before. - The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. - Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. - It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. - You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas. - Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money. - When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there. - You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.

- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires - If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal - If you have more toys than your kids - If you need a checklist to turn on the TV - If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name - If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work - If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight - If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it - If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary - If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already Comment on this Story | Printer Friendly | Send Story to a Friend | Top

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting. Woman discovered hunting, invented furs. Man discovered colors, invented painting. Woman discovered painting, invented make-up. Man discovered speech, invented conversation. Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip. Man discovered agriculture, invented food. Woman discovered food, invented diet. Man discovered friendship, invented love. Woman discovered love, invented marriage. Man discovered trade, invented money. Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.

As a flight engineer, I had been stationed in Panama for several months before the December 1989 invasion. Ever since I began my air force flying career, my mother has been concerned about my safety. So I expected a long letter from her expressing her anxiety. But what she sent was a sheet of paper containing six words: KICK THEIRS. PROTECT YOURS. LOVE, MOM.

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

Sue and Bob, a pair of tightwads, lived in the midwest, and had been married for years. Bob had always wanted to go flying. The desire deepened each time a barnstormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten bucks is ten bucks." The years went by, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show by explaining, "It's free to watch, let's at least watch." Once he got there, the feeling become real strong and an argument started. Between flights the pilot overheard and said, "I'll tell you what. I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me. But if you make one sound, you pay the ten dollars." So off they flew, the Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could, heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go and pulling out of the dive at the very last second. Through all this the couple said not a word. Finally he admitted defeat and went back the airport. "I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?" "Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten bucks is ten bucks."

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" And... 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. 6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. 7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off