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What are you waiting for?
If you have something to say to me, say it to my face. Don't go behind my back. I have the common courtesy to talk to you about something rather than go gossiping behind your back.
When you do say it, please take me aside so we can talk in private. I have no problem letting you into my office at any time when you want to talk to me about something without everyone else hearing, please give me the same common courtesy.
If you have something critical to say about me, be prepared to back it up. If you aren't willing to testify to its authenticity in writing and in front of a panel, then its slander as far as I'm concerned. If you can't swear to it, then why bother spreading something that you don't even believe in?
Before I write you up, I'll take you aside and tell you about it. I'll also give you a chance to explain yourself, and if the situation warrants I'll retract the write up. At the very least I'll let you know about it first. I don't write it up in secret and blindside you with it later, I'd appreciate the same in return.
Believe half of what you see and nothing of what you hear. If I had a dollar for every rumor I heard about you, I could probably retire. Do I believe every rumor I hear and treat you like shit, or do I give you a chance to prove yourself one way or another? Don't judge me before you've seen me in action and I won't let your reputation preceed you either.
Be honest, yet respectful. You have a God given right to hate my guts. You can wish I were dead. I really don't care. But I swear to God if you don't give me the respect I am due I'll have your ass in a sling.
I honestly don't care about your opinion of me. I used to. I really did. I wanted to make everyone happy. Now? I have a job to do, and I'm damn good at it. Ask the people who hate me. They'll still grudgingly tell you I'm at least good at what I do if nothing else. I had someone who hated my guts tell me I can work miracles in that ambulance. I've never had a partner who didn't want to work with me. That's good enough for me. I have a few letters stashed in a safe place thanking me for what I did, and nothing you can say about me will take that away. I know I'm good, and you thinking I'm not isn't going to change that.
Cocky? Sure. Why? Because I am that good. I don't say it's arrogance though because I will be the first to admit: there is always going to be someone better than me out there, I'm never going to be perfect, and I still screw up just like everyone else. I don't consider myself even an "elite" or any such title; I merely think of myself as "very good". If that makes me a cocky bastard so be it, but last time I checked you didn't have any commendations hanging on your wall.
Am I bitter? Maybe. Burned out? Probably. Will I still show up and ride the truck more than you because I love helping people and I'd be doing a disservice to the public by not doing so? Absolutely. I swear to God there are days I want to quit. I tell myself the BS isn't worth it. But every now and then helping someone in need gives me the strength to carry through just one more shift. And one more day is all you have to live for.
Take this as you will. I didn't intend to write it as a "me to you" conversation... this was stream of consciousness I laid out after a long day. I'll probably look at this tomorrow and wonder how on Earth I got so bitter, and how much better life really is. But at this point: fuck it. And no, this isn't intended to be said to anyone on here; if I had a problem with you I quite frankly wouldn't be talking to you. This is more me blowing off steam to an internet that won't judge. Knowing one of you might read this makes me feel like I'm not just writing something that will get flushed down the toilet. I hope some of you can get something out of this; I'm just as guilty of everything as everybody else, but I hope that some day I might be just a little bit better. Be safe out there.
Erik
P.S. If you actually bothered to read this, feel free to leave a comment. If you'd like it confidential, private messages are always read and replied to.
